Alright, fuck it, let's just do this thing.
Batman #686
Written by Neil Gaiman
Art by Andy Kubert
You know, this is the sort of comic that reads like less than the sum of its parts. I blame a lot of that on the fact that "Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?" is rather ill-conceived. Obviously this story is supposed to be the Batman version of Alan Moore's "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?" which everyone liked, but it fails for two reasons, one thematic, one practical.
The thematic reason is that Moore's story wrapped up the existing continuity and gave the Silver/Bronze Age Superman the sort of send-off that can only be done when the continuity is about to be rebooted. On the other hand, this story doesn't really give any sort of closure because the characters are not the same ones everyone's been reading for the last forty years. This isn't the story of the last days of Batman, it's the story of the last days of a Batman, and that's a problem.
Of course, the reason this is basically an Elseworlds story is because, well, you know, Batman isn't dead, and I'd put money on him coming back...well, DC has that Blackest Night crossover coming out this summer, so I want to say Summer 2010, and there's been no mention of a reboot...so Gaiman is stuck writing an "end of an era" story for what is basically just a lengthy interregnum.
So, you have a story that is really well-written and features nice art, but has nothing to do with anything.
I have the feeling that something is going to happen in the second half of this story to make me look like a complete idiot. Oh, well.
Thor #600
Written by J. Michael Straczynski and others
Art by Oliver Copiel, Marko Djurddjevic and some more others
Okay, the gist of the main story is that Loki tricks Thor into doing something that will get him banished from Asgard and he, bowing to the rule of law as royalty, especially those from ancient warrior-based cultures are wont to do, accepts his banishment for the sake of the greater good of Asgard. Incidentally, if you liked this story, you should check out Thor #432, which features almost exactly the same thematic construction, if a slightly different outcome.
But the real problem I have is that it does beg the question: Why the fuck are warrior Vikings so god-damn hung up on "laws" all of a sudden? And why does Balder have the authority to banish Thor, I mean, isn't Thor king? And why would anyone ever trust Loki ever?
Still, you get to Thor and his most Thor-iest, and I know a lot of people like that sort of thing, so I guess it's a success from that point of view.
Batman and the Outsiders Special #1
Written by Peter "This time'll be different" Tomasi
Art by Adam "My brother works with Neil Gaiman and I get this?" Kubert
It would take a team of scientists years to figure out why the Outsiders keep coming back. The first iteration was the strongest, because you have Batman and a bunch of characters that were at least serviceable, but it also had villains like "The Duke of Oil," a robotic oil baron, "The Nuclear Family" a team of super-powered robots created to replace a disgruntled scientists dead family, and "The Force of July" which was a government funded supergroup that apparently used American tax dollars to send an eight-year into battle.
And that was the best version. The early nineties brought a new version of the Outsiders that included a half-man half-bear called Wylde, a guy called Technomancer who did his level-best to come as close to being Iron Man without getting DC sued, and, of course, The Eradicator...that's right, the one from the Death of Superman story.
Then there was Judd Winick's version, which, in addition to being written by Judd Winick, which is pretty bad in and of itself, also included a two-issue arc guest starring John Walsh, the guy from America's Most Wanted.
Most recently, there was the aborted Batman and the Outsiders, which featured a complete overhaul of the cast only two issues in, and went downhill from there.
But, it looks like DC is taking another crack at it, including the amazing debut of Manstalker, a character so manifestly terrible in every possible way that he must be seen to be believed. I mean, he looks like a tool, talks like a tool, has a name that sounds about as unheroic as you can get. But that's not the best part, apparently he is a television personality who films himself doing acts of vigilantism and gets information on crimes by bribing FBI agents...and he's supposed to be a good guy.
Beyond that, Alfred (yes, that Alfred) travels around the world gathering together the original Outsiders so they can...well, they'll get to that next month.
New Warriors #20
Written by Kevin Grievoux
Art by Reilly Brown and Casey Jones
In counterpoint to my last review, this is the final issue of the umpteenth revival of a marginal superhero team.
Now, there are some out there who like the New Warriors, I would guess, seeing as they keep trying to relaunch the brand, but for the same reason as the Outsiders, namely shitty premise and characters, it just doesn't seem like a winning strategy.
Anyway, the gimmick of these New Warriors was that they were basically a group of superheroes who resisted the Superhero Registration Act by illegally doing superheroic things and naming themselves after the incompetent clods who managed to get hundreds of small children killed.
Of course, then Secret Invasion happened, and Civil War became yesterday's news...so I guess I'm not clear how this volume of New Warriors could have survived any longer than it did. Well, maybe if it had good characters, but God knows that this book had no character that anyone ever cared about ever, which makes the fact that it lasted twenty issues all the more amazing. I mean, who would have thought that a team lead by Night Thrasher's illegitimate half-brother could possibly get into the double digits? I wouldn't have bet on it.
So this last arc had the team traveling to future in order to fight the original Night Thrasher who had, in the intervening years, become Iron Man...somehow. Anyway, Iron Thrasher turned out to be an evil tyrant that only the New Warriors could stop from...continuing to be evil in a timeline that will never be referenced again.
And then the team breaks up, because the book's cancelled and Marvel would prefer not mentioning anything involving these stories again, especially if one of these characters is needed in a real story.
Angel - After the Fall #17
Written by Joss Whedon and Brian Lynch
Art by Franco Urru
Now you listen up and you listen good, Goddamnit. It will be a cold, mother-fucking day in mother-fucking hell before I review anything, ANYTHING in the Whedonverse. Verstanden?
Huh...well, I guess I have a bit of space left over, so it's time for a....
Retraux Revieux
Okay, so let's so what we've got in the old....no...not that...it's...it's....
Sovereign Seven #20
Cover Date March 1997
Written by Chris "It's Not As If We Haven't Done This a Score of Times Already!" Claremont
Art by Vince Giarrano and Dave Cockrum(?)
Okay...okay...
-sigh-
Chris Claremont wrote the X-Men for, well, forever, from right after they were relaunched in the mid-70s all the way to the Jim Lee era in the early 90s, it was the Golden Age for the X-Men and Chris Claremont has to get a ton of the credit, not only for the flagship book, but also starting The New Mutants and Excalibur, and effectively creating the character of Wolverine that have made Marvel millions over the last twenty-five years.
Still, I think we'd all have been happier if he'd retired in 1992.
Sovereign Seven was a book about seven heroes from different planets who were all royalty, hence the title. They banded together to fight against some nebulous evil that had taken over their homeworlds, and forcing them to take refuge on Bloodgate, a savage world on the edge of civilization where techno-pirates rule the sky and the dreaded Cardinal Andronicus keeps the peace with his legion of robo-templars.
Okay, that last part isn't true, actually the titular seven sovereigns end up on earth and spend most of their time at a coffee bar called "Crossroads" and angst...a lot. The characters included" Big Speedster-Man, Telepathy Lass, Mysterious Girl, Ethnic Lad, and of course Androgyny (Wo)Man.
Anyway, in this issue, the sovereigns have to fight two separate threats, a forest fire and an all-star team of European mercenaries who will stop at nothing to break their teammate out of...
...a county jail. Also, their commander apparently forbids them from firing their weapons. So, these guys aren't exactly Hans Gruber in terms of scope or lethality, especially since it quickly becomes clear that the mercenaries have literally no way of actually harming the Sovereigns.
Meanwhile Finale, the chick on the cover, manages to kill the forest fire with a sword...somehow, because, as she puts, "It was my enemy, and now it is no more."
And with that the sovereigns head back to their coffee house/headquarters secure in the knowledge that by putting out the forest fire they had inadvertently started the prior issue and letting the mercenaries get away with their friend, the world is only a marginally worse place with them in it.
Well, that was horrible, let's not-
Wait, there's a back-up story. Mother-fucker.
Okay, in this back-up story, Claremont decides to prove to the readers what a bitchin' character "Cascade" is by having her hang out with Clark Kent, and him liking her. Therefore, according to Claremontian logic, to dislike Cascade means that Superman is a liar, and you're not calling Superman a liar, are you? All right, then.
It occurs to me that I haven't railed on Claremont for his...way with words, but suffice to say, you're not apt to find a comic with less natural language.
Sovereign Seven #20
Cover Date March 1997
Written by Chris "It's Not As If We Haven't Done This a Score of Times Already!" Claremont
Art by Vince Giarrano and Dave Cockrum(?)
Okay...okay...
-sigh-
Chris Claremont wrote the X-Men for, well, forever, from right after they were relaunched in the mid-70s all the way to the Jim Lee era in the early 90s, it was the Golden Age for the X-Men and Chris Claremont has to get a ton of the credit, not only for the flagship book, but also starting The New Mutants and Excalibur, and effectively creating the character of Wolverine that have made Marvel millions over the last twenty-five years.
Still, I think we'd all have been happier if he'd retired in 1992.
Sovereign Seven was a book about seven heroes from different planets who were all royalty, hence the title. They banded together to fight against some nebulous evil that had taken over their homeworlds, and forcing them to take refuge on Bloodgate, a savage world on the edge of civilization where techno-pirates rule the sky and the dreaded Cardinal Andronicus keeps the peace with his legion of robo-templars.
Okay, that last part isn't true, actually the titular seven sovereigns end up on earth and spend most of their time at a coffee bar called "Crossroads" and angst...a lot. The characters included" Big Speedster-Man, Telepathy Lass, Mysterious Girl, Ethnic Lad, and of course Androgyny (Wo)Man.
Anyway, in this issue, the sovereigns have to fight two separate threats, a forest fire and an all-star team of European mercenaries who will stop at nothing to break their teammate out of...
...a county jail. Also, their commander apparently forbids them from firing their weapons. So, these guys aren't exactly Hans Gruber in terms of scope or lethality, especially since it quickly becomes clear that the mercenaries have literally no way of actually harming the Sovereigns.
Meanwhile Finale, the chick on the cover, manages to kill the forest fire with a sword...somehow, because, as she puts, "It was my enemy, and now it is no more."
And with that the sovereigns head back to their coffee house/headquarters secure in the knowledge that by putting out the forest fire they had inadvertently started the prior issue and letting the mercenaries get away with their friend, the world is only a marginally worse place with them in it.
Well, that was horrible, let's not-
Wait, there's a back-up story. Mother-fucker.
Okay, in this back-up story, Claremont decides to prove to the readers what a bitchin' character "Cascade" is by having her hang out with Clark Kent, and him liking her. Therefore, according to Claremontian logic, to dislike Cascade means that Superman is a liar, and you're not calling Superman a liar, are you? All right, then.
It occurs to me that I haven't railed on Claremont for his...way with words, but suffice to say, you're not apt to find a comic with less natural language.
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