Bardsworth: Bad Webcomic or Apocalyptically Bad Webcomic

Bardsworth is a pretty benign comic, I suppose. But, as it is a comic where the villain's evil plan is to corrupt the main character by convincing him to double-major in wizardry and bard studies, I can't help but attack.

The plot, ah, yes the plot, the main character is a kid named Mike, as you might expect in a story like this, is a complete and utter loser who just happens to be the chosen one. Luckily for him, he finds a portal to another universe or dimension or whatever and decides to enroll at the eponymous magical university. Anyway, it's quite a culture shock for young Mike, as well it might. Anyway, he gets a bunch of friends, and the main villain kind of sits around ominously announcing that he has evil intentions for young Mike. And...I don't know, that's really about it through around five hundred strips. No really, it's taken four and half years for Mike to enroll in magic college and get through a semester.

I think the problem that I have with this comic is that there's no real conflict and I don't think it's meant to be a straight comedy strip either. I mean, I guess there's a main villain, but he doesn't do anything. I guess there could be relationship drama, but the comic seems to go out of its way to pre-empt it. Oh, wait, there is an arc were Mike is forced to confront his hatred of theater people, now, you might think the author is trying to make a riff on fantasy characters having tragic pasts or something, but this strip makes me think it's being played straight.

Besides Mike, there other characters include, Old Man Wizard, who is old, wise, and all of those other things you'd expect of such a character. There's the villain, Rayner, who hasn't really done anything evil yet, but has evil facial hair. Oh, and there's Mike's love interest. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh, let me guess, she's an Elven princess." Well, fuck you and your cynical nature, she's just the heiress to an Elven duchy, asshole. There's also a fairy who plays some part in the theoretical corruption of Mike, and some other ancillary characters that I can't bring myself to care enough about to discuss.

The art is....okay. It's not particularly good, but, for the most part, it's good enough, and I give it bonus points for not falling into the anime-inspired trap that afflicts so many webcomics. That said, the story really isn't good enough to carry this webcomic by itself, and so adequate art really isn't good enough for Bardsworth.

Bardsworth kind of sucks. It's not completely awful, but well, when you put together mediocre art and the least-exciting use of a fantasy world in human history, you're not apt to end up with anything good. That said, maybe something will actually fucking happen in the story and change my opinion of it, but, as a general rule of thumb, if nothing has happened in five hundred comics, nothing is ever going to happen.

Webcomics of the Apocalypse: Las Lindas

Going over the past few reviews I've done, it occurs to me that I've been relatively nice as far as the vitriol-fest that is the internet goes. But, people don't come to this blog to...well, people don't come to this blog at all.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, today I'm going to fight a comic that is actually worthy of the millenarianist title that I give to these reviews. Today, though it may kill me, I will review Las Lindas.

Las Lindas is awful on a number of levels. As a practical matter, I could probably simply point out the quasi-pornographic rendering of an underage furry, and call it a day. But, as I am a man of courage, I will point out the other flaws in this webcomic...which is kind of like saying that the Hindenburg's air conditioning system sucked.

Anyway, Las Lindas is the story of a bunch of furries banding together to save a small farm from...I don't know, bankruptcy, I guess. The main character is a she-cow (I have no idea if that's the right terminology) named Mora who begins the comic by blackmailing a young cat-dude into slavery.

The other characters include some man-cow who ends with Mora, an oddly chaste bunny-girl, two cat-girls who exist in order to round out the cast, and some weird nano-technology spirit thing that makes the idea of a bunch of people working on a farm make even less sense than it already does.

Finally, there's the villain of the piece, Alejendra, apparently, who will stop at nothing to shut down Las Lindas. Her devilish schemes include offering to buy Las Lindas at a reasonable price, and then later retracting that offer. Oh, she also plans to legally purchase the farm after Mora's genius slave-and-vagabond labor plan doesn't pan out....and that's where an already bad comic gets downright weird.

Just as Mora is about to lose her farm...where the work was all done by hand, a spaceship lands. Some sort of galactic higher-up shows up and offers an awesome deus ex machina deal whereby Mora can keep her farm if she wins some sort of farming contest. (By the way, it's amazing how well the reaction of the villain matches anyone's reasonable response to this situation.) In a shocking twist, Mora manages to sort-of win the contest when said galactic higher-up changes the rules. And once, again, the villain manages to sum up exactly why that is such a shitty resolution. I can't decide if the authors have wildly misjudged their story, or are self-aware. Then the characters go shopping, and accidentally kill the spirit-thing....and that's about it.

There's also a clumsy attempt at world-building, explaining how furries came to live alongside humans after they blew up our planet, which is nice of them, I suppose. Actually, I don't understand the setting of this comic at all. They work on a farm, but there are spaceships and shopping malls and nanotechnology, and you'd think that if you had that technology, a small family farm wouldn't be particularly viable. It probably gets explained in the spinoff comics, but I really, really, really don't want to check, as one of the comics is called "Breasts are the Best" and my spirit just can't take it.

Okay, let's wrap this up by talking about the art, because that really gets to the heart of the matter. I guess the art isn't bad, in that I think it's well-done from a technical perspective, but seeing as the art is that of a bunch of overly-endowed furries...

You know what, fuck it. If you want to see furry porn but feel compelled to justify your curiosity by claiming that it's integral to the plot of a story, I guess Las Lindas might be your cup of tea. Although, in that case, I'd suggest you either come to terms with your furry-philia (Note: there is probably a proper term for what I'm describing, but, again, my spirit), or look at normal porn.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you really, really, really, need to whack off to a bunny-girl, there are probably faster ways to do it.

P.S. I originally thought that this review would be funnier, but it just turned out to be depressing and miserable. Sorry.

Webcomics of the Apocalypse: Flipside

Okay, I spent the last two weeks taking on some pretty bad webcomics, but I feel no satisfaction. Today I'm going to take down a webcomic that is better regarded. Why? Well, it is my nature. My target is Flipside...another comic with lesbians, although, unlike Misfile or Angels 2200, at least it comes by them honestly.

Let's start out by saying something positive: the art is actually pretty damn good. Oh, sure, it's that same sort of anime-inspired stuff that seems to be the dominant look in webcomics, but at least this guy does it well. So, there you go, I'm not just some asshole that spends all of his time making fun of others to make himself feel superior...I only do that most of the time.

Okay, the biggest problem with Flipside is that it's characters kind of make your head hurt. The main character is a jester named Maytag, a character who is magically able to solve every problem without violence. An evil sorceress about to kill her? Maytag can talk her down in one page or less. An angry band of thugs about to beat the shit out of her? She'll just decide the fight is over. A monstrous cannibal locking her up in a cave? Maytag will not only prove that the cannibal was just misunderstood, but also offer to be a food source. Incidentally, I believe that makes Maytag more Christ-like than Christ, because when Jesus offered his body and blood, he didn't mean it literally. (Also, that wasn't even the first time she dismembered herself in order to defuse a situation.)

I think that Maytag is supposed to have character flaws, but I think they exist more in theory than in fact. She's supposed to be a nymphomaniac, and thus someone who's unable to maintain any sort of healthy relationship, but it's never actually shown to be a problem. In fact, that panel I linked to in the last sentence, this is the page that comes directly before it. I'm only harping on this because it seems like one of those flaws that authors give their characters so that they can say, "See, she isn't totally perfect." Except, if it's a flaw that never is shown to have any ill effects, is it really a flaw? The closest the comic comes to addressing it is in this sequence, but seeing as it's followed a few pages later by this, so that doesn't really count.

There's also the viewpoint character, Crest, whose role to remind the audience how awesome Maytag is. There's also Bernadette, who I guess is supposed to be torn about how her girlfriend is inevitably going to cheat on her, but well, since Maytag may be the most chaste nymphomaniac in history, that's really kind of a non-starter in terms of drama.

As for the plot...I don't know. Most of the time it seems to want to trend towards high fantasy, but then occasionally you end up with subplot about how Bernadette wants to join a group of knights, but she's a lesbian and they hate gays, and that's rather jarring. That said, the pace of the plot is probably best described as glacial, in that I believe the characters have been traveling towards the same town for about three years now.

In summary, Flipside is probably better than either Misfile or Angels 2200, but it's not really good. Actually, I'm probably being a bit hard on it, as far as webcomics go, it's actually rather well-crafted, but it ought to be better, especially since the creator is willing to ask for money from the audience.

Webcomics of the Apocalypse: Angels 2200

Sometimes, an author has an awesome idea for a story, but just can't quite execute it....and sometimes both premise and execution suck. Angels 2200 is one of the latter.

Angels 2200 is about of group of rookie space fighter pilots fighting against a nebulous threat in the mildly dystopian future. Oh, and since almost men on the Earth have been killed, they're all teenage girls. Now, at this point, you're probably saying to yourself, "Oh, it's a comedy," and you'd be half-right, I mean, it's clear that parts of it are supposed to be funny, but most strips seem to fall more on the dramatic side of things.

Part of me thinks that the entire premise is just a really elaborate background for "hot" girl-on-girl action, and while that does occasionally happen, it's clearly not the main focus of the book, which is a rather uninspired story about evil government conspiracies, and low-octane battles in space that are even less exciting than I've made them sound.

And the characters, God help me, the characters. Well, the main character is your typical young, fresh-faced innocent about to face the horrors of war, who also happens to have painful phonetically-transcribed French accent. Also, there's Whiskey, the firey red-head from Ireland who exists as part of a contest to create the least original character in all of fiction. There's also the bitch, the ditz, and I'm probably forgetting a few other characters.

Finally, there's the art, well, there are two types of art in this comic, and neither is good. First is your basic anime-inspired art which is used for most scenes, it's not really good, but I've seen worse, I suppose. Then, for some unknowable reason, the space combat scenes are rendered in 3-D, which, again, isn't particularly good, but isn't completely terrible, either.

Ultimately, Angels 2200 is kind of impressive, in a certain way. It seems as if every single aspect of the webcomic hovers between "not good" and "awful", creating a comic that is consisently bad, but not so terrible that it's particularly fun to mock.

(Note: While researching for this review, I learned that there is actually Angels 2200 fanfiction, and, only being mildly suicidal, could not bring myself to look at it. Still, I must give credit to the authors for making a comic that people like enough to write fanfic about. On the other hand, this news does make me question what kind of loving God would allow such a state of affairs to come to pass.)

....And Speaking of the Apocalypse

By the way, when I started working on my Misfile review, I was going to make a joke about the generally shitty nature of webcomics proving that corporate entities are ultimately the only thing saving us from ourselves. I only bring this up because I decided against it when I learned that FOX planned a entire night of Seth MacFarlane shows. Thus, I have concluded that whether executives meddle with creative types or not, mankind is completely and utterly doomed.

Incidentally, my generation can only blame themselves for this turn of events. You see, when we were all in our early-to-mid teens, Family Guy seemed like a good show...and since it went off the air, it kind of idealized our memories of it, even though Adult Swim brought it back. And so when Family Guy was put back on the air, it seemed awesome. Oh, how wrong we were.

I don't think my heart will be able to take it if it turns out that Futurama always sucked and I just hadn't realized it all of these years.

Webcomics of the Apocalypse: Misfile

Webcomics where men turn into teenage girls are really popular nowadays, and I'm not quite sure why....also, I'm not quite sure I want to know. It's probably Japan's fault or something.

Anyway, there are a ton of these webcomics out there, each an abomination against the human spirit in their own way. But since I decided I didn't want to commit suicide this week, I've decided to only take a look at one of them. And, as a sporting man, I choose to take on the mightiest among them, Misfile.

Begun in 2004, Misfile is the story of two high school students whose lives have been altered by... (come on, inner strength)...an angel getting high on pot and making a rather literal bureaucratic error. Anyway, one of them, Ash is now a girl and must learn to live as one until said pothead angel can fix the situation. Awesome.

Now, I haven't read many of these comics, but from what I understand, there are a number of tropes that these sort of comics are required by infernal law to invoke. There's the admission that a dude trapped in a chicks body would play with herself, there's a discussion on the proper use of bras, there's going into the girl's locker room, there's the use of boobs to control the minds of men...and so on....for over 1200 pages. Also, there are mind-shatteringly bad moments of supposed "humor." Fuck, let's be honest, just like every other one of these fucking transformation comics, it's just a flimsy chain of fanservice episodes that people mentally construct so that they don't have to come to terms with what they're spending their time reading. And in those rare instances where the strip tries to actually be funny, you'll wish they just did fanservice.

Actually, this comics does have exactly one other strand of story besides the adventures of the chick-who-was-a-dude, and that is the amazingly dull world of low-stakes auto racing. Sure, auto racing can be exciting...I guess, but this isn't. And it isn't an isolated occurrence.

I'm pretty sure there's an ongoing story, but it's been five years, and there's been essentially no forward movement. I guess occasionally some angels show up and say something ominous...or just dick around with the characters for fun.

As for the characters...well, you've Ash, the boy-girl, Emily the girl who is ambiguously attracted to Ash...and there are some angels and some other people, and I can't bring myself to care enough to finish this paragraph.

As for the art, well, one of my inspirations for this unfair and unbalanced attack was reading that Misfile was "notable for having above-average artwork." Yeah, I suppose given the utter dreck that populates most of the internet, it does have relatively nice artwork but, to paraphrase a Simpsons episode, while it has technical proficiency, it has no passion, showing no improvement over the five years it's been around, and having your typical derivative anime-wannabe style....well, except when his sense of perspective craps out.

Anyway, the larger point I'm trying to make is that this comic isn't very good. The art is competent, but that's the high point of the comic. It's well-written, but only by the standards of other gender-changing comics, and that's like saying that a serial killer who killed only four people is a pretty non-violent guy by the standards of serial killers. If you absolutely must read a a comic where a boy changes into a girl, perhaps because you lost a bet, or because of some sort of punishment from a higher power, then I suppose you could do worse than Misfile, and, my deepest condolences if those are, in fact, your circumstances.

Incidentally, Stargate Universe Sucks

Okay, Stargate: Universe has been on the air for a while now, and I feel confident in saying that it isn't very good.

Oh, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at some point, jamming together the premise of Star Trek: Voyager, the 'dark n' grittiness' of the new Battlestar Galactica and the backdrop of Stargate. Well, it must have sounded good to someone.

Anyway, I have the feeling that people are probably going to look back at Battlestar Galactica the same way that comic book fans look at Watchmen. A great story, but also something that ended up spawning a decade of painfully grim imitators that almost destroyed the entire industry...okay, I don't think that the entire sci-fi industry is going to implode, but you get my meaning.

Tonight's episode, "Earth," is about a risky plan to get the crew of the Destiny back to Earth and end the series after five episodes. Lamentably, they fail. But in the meantime, some other characters get to go to Earth via a body-switching machine and go out drinking/having sex and then talking about their feelings. Here's a basic rule of thumb for science-fiction to follow: for every scene that involves two characters talking about emotions, include at least one gunfight, because if you aren't, you are tragically misunderstanding your target audience.

Actually, that's not true, if you do a great job developing your characters, maybe, just maybe, you can get away with an episode that is 95% talking, but SG:U's cast of characters isn't...you know, good. There's the Amoral Scientist! The Gruff Commander! Lieutenant Prince Hal! The Nerd-Who-Could-Be-You! The Hot Chick! Sergeant Psychopath! Thrill as the Nerd realizes that the Hot Chick would rather bang a jock! Gasp as the Gruff Commander questions the morality of the amoral scientist! Recoil in horror as Sergeant Psychopath threatens bodily harm to several more members of the team!

I don't know, I guess the show is still getting on its feet, so I should be nicer, but...well, I can't change who I am. Oh, if the show turns out to be a critical success, I'll look like a complete tool, but well, in that event, the imminent ending of days will be more of a concern.

Comic Reviews Week of 9/2/09

Well, I'm back from...fuck it, no one reads this blog anyway


Justice League - Cry For Justice #3 (of 7)
Written By James "More Pain than an Aspirin Can Cure" Robinson
Art By Mauro Cascioli

After issue 2, I was worried. What if Robinson managed to turn the miniseries around? My bitching about the earlier issues would look pretty silly. But Robinson must have understood my concerns, and so decided to take the sucking up a notch, to levels not seen since the heady days of Extreme Justice.

There are basically four big problems in this specific title and the miniseries at a whole that are crippling it:

1 The whole genesis of Green Lantern's dissatisfaction with the normal operations of the Justice League makes no sense. Okay, it's supposed to be because the League was unable to stop the deaths of Batman and the Martian Manhunter, but that still seems like a slight reason. Even if you are feeling gracious to concede the conceit of death being real in comic books, and even if you're willing to extend to characters like Green Arrow and Green Lantern who have both died and come back to life, and even if you are willing to believe that the death of Batman was so traumatic (more so than the deaths of Superman and Wonder Woman) that it leads to a fundamental revision of how one sees the world, does that really lead to Super-heroes torturing villains for information? (And, by the way, Prometheus himself points out how stupid the idea of comic book death is, in this very comic...awesome.)

2. And the torture itself seems like a very, very bad misstep. First of all, if you want to have heroes torturing villains, that's fine in general, but having marquee DC heroes? That's a hell of way to get kids to read comics. But even if you think this morally dubious act is okay in terms of the story, what about the characters doing it. Green Lantern is supposed to be, essentially, a super-cop, leaving all of the other baggage of his character behind, is it really a good a idea to have the character most like a super-police officer torturing people in his custody? Oh, and then there's Green Arrow, who is supposed to the mouthy liberal of the team. He doesn't seem to have much of a problem with what's happening. But the worst part is the Atom using his power's to stomp on a guy's brain. You know, like how his ex-wife killed someone, an event that so traumatized him he ran away from the universe. But hey, I guess he got over, and is now able to say things in response to torture like, "The pain we feel can't be fixed with an aspirin." Which leads us to:

3. Holy fuck, what the hell happened to James Robinson's ability to write dialogue? Robinson's always had a bit of a reputation for overwriting, but this miniseries seems like almost a parody of his earlier works. It feels like every single thing a character says is stilted and not something someone would say at any time under any circumstance. Fuck, the diaogue is so oddly constructed I feel like I should be checking the meter to see if it's iambic pentameter.

4. And here's the thing that no one's talking about, because the first three problems are so acute. Ultimately, it's just not a very good comic. The first three issues have boiled down to a bunch of superheroes getting attacked and slowly, slowly, slowly coming together in order to take down Prometheus, who has a long-term plan to...do something. He apparently likes to monologue only about the steps leading up to his masterstroke, making him a most unusual villain. (And to make Prometheus a threatening villain again, Robinson retcons all of his defeats away except for his first two.)

So, it's bad, but it's bad in an entertaining way, and that has to count for something.

Invincible Iron Man #17
Written By Matt Fraction
Art By Salvador Larocca

So, Tony Stark, super-genius, has secret information in his head that must never fall into the wrong hands. His solution? Lobotimize himself! Which kind of seems like a plan that couldn't possibly go right, but hell, I suppose having a increasingly stupid Iron Man is actually a relatively fresh take on the character, so it deserves to be applauded for that.

Actually, I kind of liked this issue, although it feels like Dark Reign has gone on forever, and since it's an obviously unsustainable premise, I'd like to see some movement towards resolving it.


Supergirl Annual #1
Written By Sterling Gates
Art By Fernando Dagnino

Supergirl has basically always sucked as a character. I know, you know it, the whole world knows it. More to the point, the only run in the history of Supergirl that anyone has ever thought better than barely competent was Peter David's run, which has been retconned out of continuity anyway. But hell, DC's been making a big deal of turning Supergirl into a core Super-book, so I guess I have to take this issue seriously.

Too bad it's not very good.

The first story is about Supergirl and her continuing struggles with Kryptonians in Metropolis. It feels like this story has already been done, and it just goes to show that John Byrne had a point in not wanting thousands of Kryptonians running around. It doesn't really go anywhere interesting, other than it sends Kara into some sort of emotional depression, which I believe is the 126th such occurence in the 40 or so issues in this volume of Supergirl.

The second story sucks even harder. Remember Superwoman, that mildly interesting villain that fought Supergirl a few issues ago before dying? Yeah, well, she's back, and we get to hear her life story. Apparently Lucy Lane has always been in the shadow of her sister Lois...and that's about it.

Don't waste your money.

Mini-reviews: For when sustained thought is too dear!

Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #2: How long does this comic run before the continuity becomes so snarled so as to negate the rationale behind this comic, keeping in mind a female clone of Peter Parker has already been introduced?

Cable #18: This is actually quite a bit better than I'd thought it would be.

Batman #690: I think that, ultimately, the most persuasive argument against reality television is the rise of Judd Winick.

Comic Reviews Week of 8/12/09

Straight from my brain to your screen with an unfortunate lack of a filter in between, it's more reviews!


Blackest Night #2 (of 8)
Written By Geoff Johns
Art By Ivan Reis

Well, it's better than last issue, that's for sure.

This issue features a lot less whining and a lot more zombie killing, which is definitely a wise choice. Of course, it's not perfect, as the main action sequence in this issue involves zombie-Aquaman fighting the rest of the Aqua-family, and that kind of undercuts the epic nature of this story.

I guess my main problem is that the villains aren't really as scary or creepy as they ought to be in this sort of story. As DC has proven repeatedly throughout the years, no matter what you do, Aquaman is still kind of a joke, and he's one of the better dead heroes that Johns has at his disposal.

But given how much better this is than the first issue, things are looking up.



Green Lantern Corps #39
Written By Peter J. Tomasi
Art By Patrick Gleason

This is a tie-in where basically nothing happens. As a practical matter, it wraps up a couple of subplots that had been dragging along for a while, most notably Sodam Yat and Arisia's trip to Daxam.

Beyond that, this issue basically shows a very, very slightly different version of events seen in Blackest Night #1, adding only a scene at the end where, spoiler alert, a dead character comes back to life as a Black Lantern. Since next issue will most like recapitulate that scene on the first page, one could conceivably skip this comic entirely and not miss much of anything at all.




Titans (v2) #16
Written By Christopher Yost
Art By Angel Unzueta

This is another tie-in, but, in a tragic lapse of scheduling, it's a tie-in to Final Crisis, showing the effects of that crossover on Starfire. So, it's already a bit irrelevant for that reason.

Now, I'm in my early twenties, by the time I was reading comics, the heyday of the Teen Titans had already come and gone. For that reason, I've never been able to understand the appeal of this particular title. Still, I understand that many people not too much older than me do like these characters, and so, to them, I poise the following question: Do you really want to read a comic where Starfire has a session with her therapist? Really?

Now, in fairness, the session is mainly used as a framing device, but still....it's just not very good.


Adventure Comics (v2) #1
Written By Geoff Johns
Art By Francis Manapul

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's kind of interesting that both halves of this comic infuriate me. You'd think at least one of them would inspire a feeling other than rage...but here we are.

The first story features the Connor Kent Superboy, and since this is a Superboy story written in the last six years it must, by federal statute, feature Superboy angsting about having Lex Luthor's blood running through his veins. At this point, I kind of hope that Lex Luthor has a congenital heart defect that he passed onto Superboy so that he'll have a heart attack and die.

The backup feature is about the Legion of Superheroes, because apparently the most marketable form for the Legion is one that features decades-old continuity and protagonists in their thirties. (Note: the Legion franchise may be doomed) They have a secret mission in the past....again, which is surprising given how shitty the last story that featured such a plotline was.

So this issue features the ressurrection of a long-dead title that features two stories that seem to be rehashes of other stories that weren't very good in the first place. This is why I feel like in ten years we'll be regarding Geoff Johns the same way as Chris Claremont and John Byrne...which is a shame.

Comic Reviews Week of 8/5/09

It's one of those weeks.


Justice League - Cry For Justice #2 (of 7)
Written By James Robinson
Art By Mauro Cascioli

There's really no getting around the fact that this comic sucks. Oh, it's better than the first issue, but that just means that it's awful instead of hilariously awful. I don't have good feeling about this series, since it has, so far, been superheroes whining at each other for the better part of two issues.

Anyway, this issue features the team slowly coming together as they begin to realize that these attacks are linked. Actually, they don't quite make it that far in this particular issue, but that's certainly where things are heading...albeit in the most glacial manner possible.

Also, after reading this issue, I have never hated Hal Jordan more, as Robinson somehow takes something like five pages to discuess why Green Lantern hated Batman, which is even less exciting than it sounds. At least last issue when the characters said stuff it was entertainingly stupid, this time characters are just boring.

Come to think of it, this is kind of like the exact opposite of Grant Morrison's run. Morrison's JLA was over-the-top, Robinson's is painfully low-key. Morrison's stories focused on action, Robinson's seem to be almost entirely character development. Morrison featured DC's most popular characters, Robinson includes characters like Congorilla. People liked Morrison's JLA, Robinson's....not so much.



Hulk #13
Written By Jeph Loeb
Art By Ed McGuiness

First of all, if last issue was #600, shouldn't this be #601? I mean, aren't you obligated to at least wait one issue before renumbering it again?

Anyway, at this point I don't think there's anything left to say. It's about big things hitting each other until the issue ends. I guess that's fine, it's better than most of what Jeph Loeb has written lately, but most of the better Hulk runs have offered something besides mindless action and this doesn't.

Also, I officially don't care about the Red Hulk who has done nothing interesting ever.


Captain America-Reborn #2
Written By Ed Brubaker
Art By Bryan Hitch

I don't get Captain America. I understand the concept of a guy who embodies all of the positive American ideals, which is what the Steve Rogers version of Cap is, but it doesn't seem like a very interesting character to me. At any rate, this is the miniseries designed to bring back the original version of Captain America.

I'm not a huge fan of Brubaker's run on Captain America. On an intellectual level, I know that it's well-written, but it just doesn't do much for me. Given that everyone else likes it, and that I basically have no idea what I'm talking about, I blame myself for this.

In retrospect, I suppose the point of this review was to inform the reader that a) I don't like Captain America and b) I'm a moron. Mission accomplished.

Mini-reviews: When ten sentences are simply nine too many!

Agents of Altas #9: Not only does this issue feature better use of a man trapped in a gorilla's body than Cry For Justice, it also features better use of Bruce Banner than the Hulk. Kind of makes you think.

Amazing Spider-Man #601: Why won't the writers of Spider-man stop talking about One More Day? Seriously, why can't they just let it alone.

Exiles #5: CANCELLED!!!!....again.

The Hangman #1: Did it ever occur to anyone that the reason that some characters were abandoned in the Golden Age was because they weren't very good?

Secret Six #12: Every issue I like this series less and less, although I'm not sure exactly why.

Comic Reviews Week of 7/29/09

Let's do it to it:



Justice Society of America (v2) #29
Written By Bill Willingham and Matthew Sturges
Art By Jesus Merino

Now, it's always a bit tricky to complain about the first issue of a new writer's run because even great writers sometimes need a bit of time to feel things out. I seem to recall the first Geoff Johns arc in the Flash wasn't particularly good, and Paul Levitz's famed Legion run also had something of a false start.

That said, I'm not impressed. One of the reasons that the last volume of JSA was so good was the character development. Recently, however, that's fallen by the wayside as Geoff Johns felt compelled to create as many legacy characters as possible and jam them all into the book at once. And that'd be fine if the new characters were any good...but well, not so much. (By the way, in an utterly insane decision by DC, Magog is getting his own ongoing, if it is not dead within a year of its debut, I will resign from comic fandom in protest.)

This issue features the debut of the new All-American Kid and King, who are successors to two Golden Age characters that no one ever heard of, because if there was one thing that the JSA was lacking, it was that. (Although the smart money says that at least one of them will be gone by the end of the arc.) It's one thing to have a sense of history, it's another to have more legacies than Yale in the '50s. But this is Willingham and Sturges' first issue, so it's probably wise to wait a bit before dumping this comic.



Justice League of America (v2) #35
Written By Len Wein
Art By Tom Berenick and Pow Rodrix

That's a pretty misleading cover, although given the current status of this title, I can see why DC would want to do everything it could to promote this book. Anyway, this is a guest arc leading up to the new permanent writer who is....James Robinson....great.

Anyway, before that potential calamity strikes, the team consists of Vixen, Firestorm, Dr. Light and Red Tornado, with special guest star Plastic Man. On the one hand, there's a part of me that really enjoys this sort of underdog, makeshift team. On the other hand, that only works if such a team contains characters I actually like. While I do like the new Firestorm, my memories of Vixen and Red Tornado were poisoned by Meltzer's run, and I'm pretty sure Dr. Light is there to fill space more than anything else.

Actually, this whole comic is just filling space created by McDuffie's acrimonius departure, but by the standards of fill-in comics it's not bad. (Ironically, McDuffie was fired because he publicly complained about the quality of characters he was allowed to use.) So if you're a completist or just a comic fan with too much money, this is the comic for you. Otherwise, save your money.


Teen Titans (v3) #73
Written By Brian Q. Miller
Art By Joe Bennett

This is one of those 'next issue a Titan will DIE' type of story arcs, which works better than these arcs usually do for a couple of reasons. First, there's a good set-up with the Titans spending a night out on the town. This is essential because no one's heard of the vast majority of these characters, so you need to do something to get people to care when you kill one of them. The second reason is that almost all of these characters are expendable, so Miller can afford to kill one of them off without having to resort to some sort of easy out.

Mini-Review

Ultimatum #5: Some more people die in gruesome ways! How the hell this is supposed to reinvigorate the Ultimate Universe is beyond me, although it does raise the question: was "The Long Halloween" the biggest fluke in comics history?


Retraux Revieux



Written By Len Strazewski
Art By Mike Parobeck
Cover Date August 1992

Sometimes innovation just doesn't work out. For example, no one had ever tried to write a comic book about senior citizen superheroes until Len Strazewski came up with this comic. In fairness, it's not badly written and it's an original idea, even to this day, with the elderly members of the JSA have serious health problems and mainly being cranky old men.

Of course, the problem is that Strazewski takes the idea of elderly superheroes and then dials it up to eleven. Sandman has a heart attack within the first few pages, Dr. Mid-Nite is going blind and the rest of the characters are forced to confront their severely diminished capabilities. Again, that's new territory, but a comic about a bunch of old guys coming to terms with aging did about as well as you might imagine during the heart of the Image era.

Still, you have to give Strazewski a certain amount of credit. When Johns essentially took over the Golden Age characters a few years later, he mainly danced around the issue of the characters' age by killing off some of them and making the rest look and act decades younger than they actually were. (Right now the Golden Age JSAers would be in their nineties, as their participation in World War II precludes them from being part of the same sliding timeline as the rest of the DC universe)

It was a noble experiment that had not chance in hell of working, and it was unceremoniously cancelled after ten issues.

Comic Reviews Week of 7/22/09

It's the week of the San Diego Comic-Con...which means very little to me!




Final Crisis - Legion of Three Worlds #5 (of 5)
Written By Geoff Johns
Art By George Perez

I am torn. On the other hand, this issue really isn't that bad. It's well-written, it's got good art, and it saves Gates, one of my favorite reboot Legion characters, from comic book limbo...literally.

However, this issue also allows Geoff Johns to essentially rollback the Legion to what it was in 1986, and...I don't think that's a very good idea. First of all, as a practical matter, the differences between the three iterations of the Legion were pretty minor, meaning there simply can't be a lot of Legion stories that Geoff Johns wants to tell that need the old pre-Crisis Legion in order to work. Second, the old Legion was overrated anyway, because there aren't that many good stories that came out of that era, and the ones that are famous (i.e. any good at all) all come the early-to-middle part of the Levitz run.

I also just realized that I hate every single version of Superboy that currently exists in DC continuity. I mean, I always knew I hated Superboy Prime, but I just realized how much I dislike Connor Kent. He started out as this mildly amusing joke character, then became the star of his own light action book....and then Geoff Johns got a hold of him and set a new world record on fastest injection of angst into a character. Does anyone really like the character of Connor Kent at this point? Once you suck all the fun out of a character like that, what's left? A mopey teenage Superman.

But, as long as you are able to completely disconnect the contents of this issue from both the larger story being told, and what it means for the DC universe, it's a good comic.



Power Girl #3
Written By Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray
Art By Amanda Connor

Hey, the art's great! That's got to count for something....

Here's the thing, Power Girl is a rather ridiculous character. I believe her origin story at this point is that she's Supergirl from an alternate universe, except she ended up on the main earth at just the wrong time, so when her universe's earth got re-created, a copy of her was made, so that she was in effect replaced by another Power Girl on her own earth. Yeah, that's easy for new fans to digest.

Anyway, this is the concluding part of "Gorilla Warfare" where Power Girl has to fight a gorilla with the mind of a mad scientist. It's the very definition of mediocrity, really. But then again, how do you write a character who is best known for her cup size? Shit, the fact that this comic isn't just cheesecake and boob jokes shows an almost inhuman amount of restraint that deserves to be commended.



Incredible Hulk #600
Written By Jeph Loeb and friends
Art By Ed McGuiness and others

If you start a new volume of a series for the sole purpose of making money, it seems wrong that you can go back to the old numbering at any time.

Anyway, this issue is features the Red Hulk fighting the Green Hulk...again, and....I can't write about this comic anymore, it's just two oddly proportioned hulks hitting each other until a big explosion blows everything up with explaining much of anything. But apparently there's a war coming, which would be a lot more interesting if World War Hulk hadn't come out less than two years ago.


Gotham City Sirens #2
Written By Paul Dini
Art By Guillem March

Oh man...this is not good. It's so bad it features a scene where Catwoman is given the equivalent of a truth serum and is forced to divulge that Bruce Wayne is Batman...except no one believes her because there's no way that the dilletante Bruce Wayne could be living a double life as the Caped Crusader.

This is a comic that is based off one above-average episode from a cartoon series that ended over a decade ago. Not the strongest foundation for an ongoing series I've ever heard.

Mini-reviews:

Runaways #12: This is still going on...amazing, really.

Amazing Spider-Man #600: I feel compelled to make a joke about Aunt May being forced to make a deal with the devil that retcons her marriage out of existence. Also, how old is Aunt May. I mean, she appears to be the contemporary of J. Jonah Jameson's father, who is himself a generation older than Peter Parker....makes you think.

Green Lantern #44: Again, I feel compelled to point out that zombie Martian Manhunter ain't scaring anyone. Show me a zombie of a character who wasn't cannon fodder and we'll talk.

Comic Reviews Week of 7/15/09

Okay, let's go:





Blackest Night #1 (of 8)
Written By Geoff "The Guilty Got Guiltier" Johns
Art By Ivan Reis

Fuck. This isn't good, this isn't good at all. But I can prove it.

First of all, the action of this issue takes place on what is essentially Super-Memorial Day, which is a day of mourning celebrated every year on the day that Superman died, except he came back pretty shortly thereafter, but whatever. That serves to give all of the main players not only a chance to talk about fallen comrades, but also a way of grouping them around the graves of super-heroes and villains, to the point where Green Lantern and Flash hang around a crypt of super-villains that the Justice League now apparently keeps in their basement. This part of the comic is dreary, preachy, and, most damningly, boring.

Meanwhile, Black Hand has decided, after snacking on Batman's corpse (no, really) that in order to bring death to the universe, he has to raise the dead, setting the stage for a super-zombie attack. Now, unfortunately, most of the better DC heroes are still alive, so it looks like the dead will be led by...Aquaman and Martian Manhunter....not exactly a strong starting line-up. Fuck, any comic that relies on Elongated Man, in any iteration, to be even mildly menacing has not thought this through.

Actually, this crossover could be called: DC Zombies: Cannon Fodder's Revenge.

The biggest problem with this comic is simply that it takes itself so fucking seriously. I mean, I guess Johns is trying to make a point about human resilience when he talks about how people moved back to Coast City even though it had once been completely destroyed, but the city had been completely rebuilt by magical forces, and death is cheap in a universe where everyone, given enough time, comes back to life. It's pretty easy to overcome death when it's not permanent.

Other Comics:

Agents of Atlas #8: Let's all enjoy this while we can.

Blackest Night: Tales of the Corps #1: Every time I see the many Lantern Corps, I can't help but think of Captain Planet.

New Mutants #3: Actually not too terrible!

Comic Reviews Week of 7/8/09

Another DC Crossover starts and you know what that means: brutal violence by the comic-load, so let's dig in!

Green Lantern (v4) #43
Written By Geoff Johns
Art By Doug Mahnke

Maybe it's the fact that there are two spreads that show off the many ways DC has killed off their characters over the past few years, or maybe it's the face that a guy graphically murders his family then blows his brains out, but this isn't quite what I thought they meant when Dan DiDio and company meant when they said they were making the DC Universe fun again.

But here's the thing, this is the culmination of years of build-up, and it was all for a glorified zombie story? Really? I mean, this is shaping up to be the best superhero zombie story ever told and I suppose that's something. Personally, I'll just be glad to see Green Lantern move onto something new.

The art's good, though, and I suppose if you're going to write a story about evil zombie Black Lanterns and their leader, this would be the one to write.




Amazing Spider-Man Annual #36
Written By Marc Guggenheim
Art By Pat Oliffe

Speaking of bizarre returns from the dead, I believe this is the first Spider-Man book in over a decade to make more than an oblique reference to the Clone Saga. Of course, ever since One More Day, the Clone Saga's position as the unspeakable shame of the Spider-Man mythos has been usurped, and so I guess this had to happen at some point, because, comparatively speaking, while the Clone Saga was seemingly endless and poorly written, it didn't involve Spider-Man making a deal with the devil. Plus, it was the story that brought the Green Goblin back to life, so it must have done something right.

Anyway, this annual also features Spider-Man ogling his cousins...and then feeling self-conscious about it, and it goes on for a few pages. More importantly, this issue contains the most accurate representation of Boston and its inhabitants ever seen in a comic book. Oh, sure, some would say that many Bostonians are fully capable of pronouncing 'r's and do not constantly use the word 'wicked' in every other sentence. However, that is clearly a lie concocted by Bostonians so that the world cannot see them as the subhuman monsters they are. Therefore, I would like to give Guggenheim high praise for his insightful and clever writing in this annual.



Green Arrow & Black Canary #22
Written By Andrew Kreisberg
Art By Mike Norton

The big idea of this story is the two leads dealing with villains that they, through indirect means, created. That part is fine. Of course, it ends with Black Canary demanding that Green Arrow quit for reasons that don't make a lot of sense and don't really amount to much.

For some reason, Kreisberg thinks that this is a good time to show a new version of Black Canary's origin, and that part is somewhat awkwardly jammed in. It helps if you remember that last issue there was the scene where Black Canary's power accidentally deafened a guy when her powers first manifested, which is what happened to the villain of this issue, but it's not referenced in this particular issue, so it took me a bit to fit it all together. It'll work better in a trade paperback, I'd assume.

The back-up features an uninteresting bit with Green Arrow and Cupid, but you could do worse.

Pico-Reviews: 10^-12 of a normal review!

Batman #688: Much like Chuck Austen wrote Uncanny X-Men while Morrison wrote New X-Men, so too must Judd Winick write Batman when Morrison writes Batman and Robin, because balance in the universe must be maintained.

Ms. Marvel #41: Wait, they killed Ms. Marvel why, again? Also, how has this series lasted 41 issues?

Red Robin #2: And why does this comic exist?

R.E.B.E.L.S. #6: And why would they bring back the unsuccessful follow-up to a largely-forgotten series at all?

Booster Gold #22: And why....oh, wait, I liked this one. Damn it.

Comic Reviews Week of 7/1/09

It's the Fourth of July, and to me that means more reviews of comics that either infuriated me or were included to create the false impression that there are comics I didn't hate.



Justice League: Cry For Justice #1 (of 7)
Written By James Robinson
Art By Mauro Cascioli

Ah, James Robinson, on the one hand, he wrote Starman, on the other, he wrote the screenplay of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...so, this comic has the potential to go either way. Still, I really, really, want this comic to be good.

It's not.

First of all, the art isn't bad, but it doesn't seem particularly well-suited to this book. As much as I think Robinson would like it to be different, this is hardly a high concept title, and would be better served by more conventional art.

Second, it's just not fun to read. Hal Jordan comes off as a whiny asshole who at one point says "I am the Law [in this space sector]", Mikaal Tomas blows up somebody's car and just walks away, Ray Palmer tortures a guy for information, and Congorilla...is supposed to be taken seriously.

Maybe it'll turn around over the course of the miniseries, but I have the same bad feeling about this as I did when I read the first issue of the Meltzer run, especially since it has that whole pretentious, let's-take-superheroes-way-too-seriously vibe.


Captain America: Reborn #1 (of 5)
Written By Ed Brubaker
Art By Bryan Hitch and Friends

Personally, I never really liked Captain America. It's probably because it seemed like every comic he was in, the other characters would fawn other him, and if some character didn't, by the end of the issue they'd be proven wrong and duly line up to give Captain America a metaphorical blowjob. And, me being me, the more a writer wants me to admire a character, the more iconoclastic I feel compelled to be.

Anyway, this comic is fine, with the proviso that I'd prefer Steve Rogers to stay six feet under for the same reasons I didn't like the resurrection of Barry Allen; he works better as an impossible standard to aspire to than a living, breating character.

Also, I can't but wonder if Captain America is striving to set right what once went wrong, and always looking for the leap back home.


Batman and Robin #2
Written By Grant Morrison
Art By Frank Quitely

Batman RIP may have been overhyped and underwhelming, but this book is convincing me that it was a necessary step in the Batman titles. Good writing, good art, and a solid premise that I, as of now, I'm going to be bummed to see end when they bring Bruce Wayne back in the not-too-distant future.

This simply isn't a book I care to criticize...which seems like an uncharacteristically positive way to end my reviews....except, there's still one review left




Marvel Divas #1 (of 4)
Written By Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Art By Tonci Zonjic

Comics like this make me question that there is a loving God. Surely if a benevolent creator existed he would have done something to prevent this monumentally ill-conceived comic from coming out. I mean, this comic is Sex and the City with superheroines, except I can't imagine who that appeals to.

But, hell, it is trying something new, so I suppose it deserves credit for that, except it does so poorly. The writing isn't very good, best exemplified by the ending where after talking about romantic conquests for fifteen pages, one of the characters suddenly announces she has cancer. It's a weird mood whiplash, and one that this already shaky book can't handle.

And as for the art, well, if you're going to put a J. Scott Campbell cover on a book it sends a certain message, and the art doesn't quite sync up with it, although it's probably to this comic's benefit..

So, if you've ever said to yourself, "Man, if only superheroines would stop fighting crime and instead have an extended conversation about their sex lives, except in a totally non-graphic way," then you simply do not, and, moreover, cannot exist, for if such a person did exist, it would shatter all preconceptions about who comic fans are...and I am not ready to live in that world.

Comic Reviews Week of 6/24/09

Remember kids, retcons cost lives.


Green Lantern (v4) #42
Written By Geoff "Kid Retcon" Johns
Art By Phillip Tan and Eddy Barrows

Hey, there's an actual Black Lantern in this issue. Unfortunately, it's a literal black lantern, and it kind of comes off like something out of some horror movie, as it spontaneously grows arms and seeks 'flesh'. But hell, it beats the Guardians sitting around at the end of every arc and making ominous statement.

But would it really be a Geoff Johns story without a retcon that essentially nullifies a story from between 1986 and 2005? No, it wouldn't, so Johns takes this opportunity to claim that Xanshi, the planet John Stewart let explode because of his own arrogance, was a planet full of jerks, so their destruction isn't really so bad after all.

Still, this issue is one of the better ones of John's run, if only because it feels like something is actually happening, rather than just building towards something way down the line.


Justice League of America (v2) #34
Written By Dwayne McDuffie
Art By Adrian Syrf and Eddy Barrows

How the hell has this title lasted this long. I mean, it's been decent ever since Meltzer left, but he didn't exactly create the strongest foundations, and with the crushing weight of unending crossovers...well, it's to McDuffie's credit that it is wholly unreadable.

That said, the Milestone Universe? Really? Sure, they were using Static over in Teen Titans but he was essentially the only marketable commodity that the entire misbegotten line ever produced. Let's be honest, there has been exactly one version of the Justice League that worked without the big guns of the DC Universe, and that was the Giffen/DeMatteis run, and that only worked because it was a comedy.

Anyway, this issue answers the question of how the Milestone characters ended up in the DC universe...apparently some guy just kind of jammed them in there during the last crisis, and Superman's response is basically, "eh, okay, whatever."



Dark Wolverine #75
Written By Daniel Way and Marjorie Liu
Art By Giuseppe Camuncoli

Dark Wolverine is what happens when a writer has a bad idea and there's no one around with the wherewithal to stop the madness before it gets too far. You see Daken if the son of Wolverine, and he's kind of evil, but only in a boring emo way. Anyway, he's been impersonating Wolverine in the Avengers, and now he has his own title. Thrill as Daken plays mind games with the rest of the Dark Avengers! Gasp in horror as he shares his half-baked philosophy about the world! Grimace as the Dark Reign storyline continues into its mind-numbing sixth month!

Also, I don't know how to break this to Marvel, but the whole 'villain pretending to be a hero' concept can get old quickly if you pump out a dozen books with the same idea. I mean, they've put out "Dark Avengers" and the new "Ms. Marvel" and Bullseye/Hawkeye character has his own miniseries, and there's going to a book called "Dark X-Men"....well, you get the idea.

But hey, if you like Daken....then I don't want you reading my reviews.


Gotham City Sirens #1
Written By Paul Dini
Art By Guillem March

If this comic were put out by Marvel instead of DC, you know it'd be called "Dark Birds of Prey," just saying.

On the one hand, I can't help but feel like this isn't exactly the strongest premise for a book that ever was. "A bunch of female Bat-Villains get together and do morally ambiguous stuff" doesn't sound like a comic that's going to last long.

That said, it's not bad...except for the fact that Paul Dini apparently doesn't realize that no one likes Hush, and feels the need to reference his last Hush-centric story. I would be lying if I said that I knew where the book was going, but I'm impressed enough to give it another chance.

Pico-Reviews-Three orders of magnitude shorter than anyone else's!

Dark Avengers/X-Men Utopia: Pass

Nova #26: I now believe that every single Marvel book is caught up in one crossover or another.

Wolverine: Weapon X #3, Wolverine Noir #3, and Wolverine First Class #16: There's really this much of a market for Wolverine comics? Really? And yet Captain Britain is still going to get cancelled? You all suck.

Uncanny X-Men #512: A bunch of characters go back in time and cause the 1906 San Francisco earthquake? Well-played Mr. Fraction.

Comic Reviews Week of 6/17/09

Hated and feared by a world that I hate and fear, it's time for more reviews.



X-Men: Legacy #225
Written By Mike Carey
Art By Phil Briones

It occurs to me that before Mike Carey started writing this title he wrote Lucifer which was a comic about the devil wandering around and doing vague things in order to further his long-term plan. As opposed to this title, which involves Charles Xavier wandering around and doing vague things to further his long-term plan, but with tons of continuity weighing it all down.

I suppose if you really enjoyed the X-Books of the '90s, you're probably thrilled to see Exodus and a new version of the Acolytes, but if you aren't...well, that's a shame. Now personally, I'm not a huge fan of the X-Men, so I can't help but feel like the finer points of this title are lost on me. My reading of the book was essentially Xavier shows up to tell some low-level league of evil mutants to disperse, and, after a bit of explanation, they do.

But hey, if Marvel's publishing a half-dozen ongoing X-Men titles, there's nothing wrong with one of them being whole-heartedly devoted to the hardcore fans, and in that spirit, this book definitely appeals to someone.



Superman/Batman #61
Written By Michael Green and Mike Johnson
Art By Francis Manapul

I'm actually kind of amazed that this title is still running, if only because it seemed like the whole idea of Batman and Superman teaming up would have a somewhat limited amount of stories to tell. Like, eventually you'd end writing a story where, you know, all of Batman's villains got merged with Superman's villains and they had to fight them, but all of their friends were all mixed-up too.

In fairness, they managed to go for five years of story before reaching that level of desperation, and I suppose that this is about as well-produced a version of that kind of story as you're apt to find.

You could do worse, although it wouldn't be hard to do better either.



Supergirl (v5) #42
Written By Sterling Gates
Art By Jamal Igle

On the plus side, the 'Who is Superwoman' arc is almost certainly the best story of this entire volume. On the minus side, the volume of Supergirl has been composed of stories that have mainly ranged from mediocre to soul-crushingly bad, so that doesn't really mean much of anything.

But this is an okay issue. It basically sums up what happened and sets the stage for Kara going back home to New Krypton. It's pretty well-written, but nothing too special. Still, you have to give Gates credit for making Kara into a character that is not totally unlikable, and since before he came to the book it was written by Jeph Loeb and then Joe Kelly, that's a pretty fucking spectacular accomplishment.

The biggest problem with this book is its contest, but to discuss that, let's bring in an example of what gone wrong on the Superman books:



Action Comics Annual #12
Written By Greg Rucka
Art By Pere Perez

John Byrne is basically a washed-up creator who hasn't done anything good in almost twenty years. But, before his talent mysterioulsy vanished, he leave an important legacy that shaped Superman books for well over a decade; Superman was absolutely the only survivor of Krypton, and thus was unique in the universe.

Now, Byrne did that because over the course of the Silver and Bronze Age there'd been a proliferation of Kryptonians who, through various means, had escaped the destruction of their planet, and had somewhat diluted the character and meaning of Superman. In his mind, Superman should be a singular creature unlike everyone else.

Of course, nowadays there's a 'New Krypton' and thousands of Kryptonians running around. I would guess that eventually that's going to be fixed, but in the meantime, Superman, instead of being a morally and physically transcendent being is just the nicest one of a surviving race of near-gods.

But the problem with this issue is that I could care less about the origin of Nightwing and Firebird, and I don't really think too many other people were clamoring to pay $5 to hear about their origin either. Still, I suppose this issue does answer the most important question: is Kryptonian religion more like Hinduism or Catholicism? It's not a particularly exiciting or interesting issue, though Rucka doesn't do a bad job of scripting it.

Mini-Reviews: Now with even less thought than before:

Captain Britain and MI-13 #14: We should all be grateful it lasted as long as it did.

War Machine #7: War Machine blows some more shit up...for justice! Actually I think the mid-90s volume of War Machine was more intelligent than this.

Punisher #6: No, I'm sorry Marvel, I know you're trying to sell The Hood just as hard as you can, but I'm not buying.

Savage She-Hulk #3: Well, I certainly didn't see that ending coming.

Streets of Gotham #1: Because you demanded it, a Batman ongoing with 10% more supporting cast!

Dark Reign - Young Avengers #2: It would take some sort of super-powered statistician or perhaps a genetically modified actuary to explain how the Young Avengers have gotten another miniseries.

Comic Reviews Week of 6/3/09

Oh Lord, please have mercy on my Xbox 360, which may or may not be on its last legs.

As an offering, I humbly present this week's poorly-written reviews.



Black Panther (v5) #5
Written By Reginald "Bringer of Sorrow" Hudlin
Art By Ken Lashley

Okay, so at the end of this issue, after five issues of waiting, the new Black Panther finally appears in costume. Awesome. Also, it's exactly who you'd expect.

Next issue promises a showdown between not only the Black Pantherette and Morlun (who has become basically the Superboy-Prime of the Marvel universe), but also between Storm and Death. Seeing as Storm is one of the most prominent X-Men, the chances of her actually dying in a non X-book are approximately -10%.



Captain Britain & MI-13 Annual #1 (And Only)
Written By Paul Cornell
Art By Matt Collins & Adrian Alphonia

I can only assume that this annual was written before this title was cancelled, and then Marvel decided that it might as well release it anyway, because most of the time you don't produce special issues of doomed comics.

That said, it's a fine comic that makes me wish it weren't cancelled. But let's be honest, when your headliner is Captain Britain, you're living on borrowed time unless you have a high-profile creative team, and Paul Cornell, talented though he is, is not that. At least in America, I seem to recall he's probably more well-known in Britain.

Oddly enough, both the main story and the back-up are essentially callbacks to Chris Claremont's run on X-Books during the '80s. Which is great if you care about characters like Meggan, and fondly remember Claremont's obssession with the X-Men playing baseball. Now I am not one of those people, but I still found the issue perfectly enjoyable.


Batman and Robin #1
Written By Grant Morrison
Art By Frank Quitely

You know what, I whole-heartedly endorse what Morrison's doing. For too long the Batman books have been mired in the overly grim version of Batman made popular by Frank Miller. Oh, there have been attempts to fix the problem, most notably a reasonably concerted effort made right after Infinite Crisis, but this is probably the best approach; making a clean break with the past.

Now I know that Bruce Wayne will be back in some crossover or another in the not-too-distant future, but at the moment, Morrison is offering a fresh take on the character in the most profound way in the last forty years. It might not work, but it beats just doing the same stories over and over again.

Plus, you can't go wrong with Quitely's art. All in all, it's a good idea that's also well-executed. Hopefully it won't become a historical sidenote...but in all honesty, it's apt to become the Knightfall of this decade, although this book is way better.



Ultimatum #4 (of 5)
Written By Jeph Loeb
Art By David Finch

Well, if you've ever wanted to see Dr. Strange's head explode, you are going to love this comic. Otherwise you will almost certainly feel a sense of loss and a deep depression that persists for days. This has been a disturbingly violent miniseries. I mean, in one sequence, Angel's wing gets bitten off by Sabretooth, who is then shot in eye by Hawkeye, and right after that, Magneto's arm gets cut off by a sword. Now I don't usually mind graphic violence, but even I think that is a bit much.

I can understand why Marvel would want to clean house, but I'm not sure that butchering as many characters as possible in as short a time as possible is wise. Actually, it seems like a rather desperate manuever. Of course, they're also constrained by the fact that the Ultimate Universe is apparently going to continue after the end of this mini-series, meaning that they really can't afford to kill important characters, leading to one of the most extensive cullings of second-tier characters in recent history.

Whoever thought that Jeph Loeb's writing was going to save the Ultimate Universe has made a rather regrettable mistake.

Okay, that'll do for today.