You know, it's been a while since I wrote about print comics, but, hell, it's not like anyone cares anyway.
The Legion of Super-Heroes debuted in 1958, and since then it's gone through a number of incarnations. Let's start out with the three most basic versions for the sake of simplicity:
1958-1994, 2009-present: Pre-Zero Hour
1994-2004: Post-Zero Hour (or reboot)
2004-2009: Post-Infinite Crisis (or Threeboot)
Each of these three exist in their own continuity. A couple of characters from the reboot Legion got bumped into the main version, but, for the most part, the latter versions have essentially been excised from continuity, so they don't count.
But that was the easy part, because there are a bunch of stories in the pre-Zero Hour Legion that didn't happen. As far as I can tell, basically every comic up until the first Crisis is okay, as DC went out of their way to plug in the current Supergirl in the place of the pre-Crisis one. Based on a cursory glance, that would mean that the first comic that really couldn't have happened is Legion of Super-Heroes v3 #16 from 1985, where Brainiac 5 gets bummed that Supergirl died 1000 years in the past in the first Crisis.
From that point on, there are a whole bunch of stories that don't make sense in the new continuity: Cosmic Boy finding out the past has been tempered with, the whole Pocket Universe saga, and Brainiac 5 supposing that Sensor Girl was really Supergirl. So, the rest of Legion of Super-Heroes v3 doesn't count.
And if that doesn't count, there's no way that the "Five Years Later" Legion counts either.
So, realistically speaking, every Legion comic from 1985 to 2009 (Lightning Saga notwithstanding) doesn't count. Never happened. Why? Because it was so fucking important to bring back those old stories that no one under 30 has any emotional connection to. I wonder if, twenty years from now, we'll be looking at Geoff Johns the way that people look at mid-90s comics today.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Fuck it, Let's Tear the Shit out of Lightbringer
Lewis Lovhaug, better known as Linkara, is known for his video reviews of bad comic books at the unfortunately named "Channel Awesome." He also writes bad webcomics. (Sidenote: He apparently also writes young adult fantasy, on Barnesandnoble.com there are six reviews of his first book. The first equates it to Lord of the Rings, the second seems oddly entranced with the fact that the protagonist is a 14-year old boy. The other four think it's shit.)
Anyway, the central conceit of the series is that Lightbringer is his world's first superhero, not a particularly original concept, but fine, by the standards of this blog, it's not the worst idea I've encountered. It may be the least facially interesting, but well, good writing can alleviate that problem.
So, can Lovhaug's wordsmithing save the day? The second arc features a super-villain who plans to distort reality somehow. That sounds like it would be difficult, but it turns out that all he needs is the power source of a breast expansion device in order to make it work, and Lightbringer's assistant happens to have one because, well, there's really no explanation that's going to be satisfying to that, is there? The other arcs are in the same vein as only Lightbringer can accomplish the superheroic feats of preventing mass slavery in America and making sure witnesses don't get murdered.
As for the art, well, the man simply cannot draw. Not that such a limitation stops him from putting out pinups of his female characters. Lovhaug eventually got a ringer to do the art for him, which I suppose I'd appreciate more if the comic weren't otherwise terrible.
Now, I suppose the time has come to discuss Mr. Lovhaug's moral and political beliefs. Oh, I'd prefer to avoid the subject entirely, if only because fighting objectivists is a sucker's game, but well, he leaves me little choice. Walter Kovacs, of course, is the real identity of Rorschach, a deconstruction of the objectivist hero who would rather see the world burn than conceal the truth. Alan Moore is rather clear on that point. You'd think that given some time, Lovhaug would realize this but....no.
But, hey, Lovhaug doesn't need to listen to some God-damned limey pinko! No, he understands that the only way to fight crime is to violate any civil liberties you need to. (This scene is actually worse than it looks, as the FBI essentially sent Lightbringer into the bad guy's base with the explicit purpose of violating the hell out of the 4th amendment.) Also, he's apparently not a fan of moral relativism.
Let's look at his villains, shall we?
-General Werres: A totally evil moral relativist who feels that it's not really that bad to operate a slave auction so long as he donates some of the money to charity, a spot on criticism.
-The Smiling Man: A dude whose scheme partially relies on stealing a breast expansion ray.
-The Gentleman: A centuries-old prude who was really Jack the Ripper....and the Black Dahlia killer....and the Zodiac killer. He figures that the best way to bring back civility is through brutal murders. He is defeated in a manner not seen since the days of Scooby-Doo.
-A Dude who apparently blackmailed an acquaitance of Lightbringer's into having sex with him in lieu of filing an auto insurance claim against her: Lightbringer's deadliest foe, to be sure.
-The Darkbringer: Lightbringer's archnemesis. He loves giving his speeches.
-The Power Glove: He's so....bad.
-The American Legal System: Plea Bargains in exchange for cooperation? Not on Lightbringer's watch!
-Catwoman knockoff #713: Hey, originality is hard!
-The democratically-elected mayor of the town: This issue: Lightbringer fights the mayor and her dastardly plan to reserve the ability to police the citizenry to professionally trained officers of the peace who are legally accountable for their actions!
That is not an inspiring rogues' gallery.
In summary, if you've ever wondered why Alan Moore has disowned Watchmen, this comic should make clear to you his concerns over misinterpretations of his work.
Anyway, the central conceit of the series is that Lightbringer is his world's first superhero, not a particularly original concept, but fine, by the standards of this blog, it's not the worst idea I've encountered. It may be the least facially interesting, but well, good writing can alleviate that problem.
So, can Lovhaug's wordsmithing save the day? The second arc features a super-villain who plans to distort reality somehow. That sounds like it would be difficult, but it turns out that all he needs is the power source of a breast expansion device in order to make it work, and Lightbringer's assistant happens to have one because, well, there's really no explanation that's going to be satisfying to that, is there? The other arcs are in the same vein as only Lightbringer can accomplish the superheroic feats of preventing mass slavery in America and making sure witnesses don't get murdered.
As for the art, well, the man simply cannot draw. Not that such a limitation stops him from putting out pinups of his female characters. Lovhaug eventually got a ringer to do the art for him, which I suppose I'd appreciate more if the comic weren't otherwise terrible.
Now, I suppose the time has come to discuss Mr. Lovhaug's moral and political beliefs. Oh, I'd prefer to avoid the subject entirely, if only because fighting objectivists is a sucker's game, but well, he leaves me little choice. Walter Kovacs, of course, is the real identity of Rorschach, a deconstruction of the objectivist hero who would rather see the world burn than conceal the truth. Alan Moore is rather clear on that point. You'd think that given some time, Lovhaug would realize this but....no.
But, hey, Lovhaug doesn't need to listen to some God-damned limey pinko! No, he understands that the only way to fight crime is to violate any civil liberties you need to. (This scene is actually worse than it looks, as the FBI essentially sent Lightbringer into the bad guy's base with the explicit purpose of violating the hell out of the 4th amendment.) Also, he's apparently not a fan of moral relativism.
Let's look at his villains, shall we?
-General Werres: A totally evil moral relativist who feels that it's not really that bad to operate a slave auction so long as he donates some of the money to charity, a spot on criticism.
-The Smiling Man: A dude whose scheme partially relies on stealing a breast expansion ray.
-The Gentleman: A centuries-old prude who was really Jack the Ripper....and the Black Dahlia killer....and the Zodiac killer. He figures that the best way to bring back civility is through brutal murders. He is defeated in a manner not seen since the days of Scooby-Doo.
-A Dude who apparently blackmailed an acquaitance of Lightbringer's into having sex with him in lieu of filing an auto insurance claim against her: Lightbringer's deadliest foe, to be sure.
-The Darkbringer: Lightbringer's archnemesis. He loves giving his speeches.
-The Power Glove: He's so....bad.
-The American Legal System: Plea Bargains in exchange for cooperation? Not on Lightbringer's watch!
-Catwoman knockoff #713: Hey, originality is hard!
-The democratically-elected mayor of the town: This issue: Lightbringer fights the mayor and her dastardly plan to reserve the ability to police the citizenry to professionally trained officers of the peace who are legally accountable for their actions!
That is not an inspiring rogues' gallery.
In summary, if you've ever wondered why Alan Moore has disowned Watchmen, this comic should make clear to you his concerns over misinterpretations of his work.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Das Unheimliche Tal: The Challenges of Zona
First off, let me congratulate the author of "Bardsworth" for being the first person to leave a comment on this blog. Although, let me point out that, a) Bardsworth is probably the best of the webcomics I've reviewed, and b) He's doing way too well to worry about what I think about anything. Actually, I kind of feel bad about my review, to be honest. Also, paranoid.
Anyway, the comic for today is called "The Challenges of Zona," this is the fourth page, stupid pop-culture reference in a fantasy milleu, fan-service character, and, of course, the art, and I can call it a day, and yet, for the sake of thoroughness, let's plough on.
Okay, first of all, the pop-culture reference happens because the main character was an unfortunate everyman named Mentl who was mysteriously transported to a fantasy land. So, uh, we're not exactly swimming in originality, here. Having been transported to middle-Narnia, he uses his musical skills to become a bard. This somehow gets him laid. This somehow, in ways that defy all logic and reason, leads to a towering blond barbarian woman repeatedly begging him to sleep with her, and even suggesting that they have threesomes....and that is not an idle suggestion. Oh, wait, and he's the fucking chosen one! And he's super-endowed!
The other main characters are scantily-clad women who throw themselves at Mentl whenever he plays his mighty mandolin and various things who try and fail to kill Mentl. Anyone who says that these characters exists for any other reason than to provide fanservice and glorify Mentl are fucking liars.
Now, I suppose that this webcomic could be a very sophisticated deconstruction of fantasy tropes. Then I saw this page, and well, that ended that line of thought rather abruptly. Yeah, apparently Mentl accesses his deus-ex-machina powers by singing pop-rock. Now, you can do that if you want, but if you're going to go down that road, you can't turn it around and pretend that the plot is anything other than absurdist comedy. So, "heartwarming" scenes like this, beyond being somewhat hacky in general, cannot coexist with Mentl killing his enemies with "Wild Thing."
Okay, then there's the art. Someday, maybe not so far in the future, we'll have perfected 3-d rendering, and the uncanny valley will be breached, or crossed, or whatever the proper idiom is. However, as of yet, the technology isn't quite there. So, while I suppose this art shows a high level of technical proficiency, the characters still kind of look dead. But, then again, the artist is doing about the best he can with the available technology, and I can't come down too hard on that. This, on the other hand, is pretty damning, and also not safe-for-work.
So, in summary. Shitty plot, stars a Marty Stu, and features soulless fanservice. On the plus side, it isn't very long, so it's got that going for it.
Anyway, the comic for today is called "The Challenges of Zona," this is the fourth page, stupid pop-culture reference in a fantasy milleu, fan-service character, and, of course, the art, and I can call it a day, and yet, for the sake of thoroughness, let's plough on.
Okay, first of all, the pop-culture reference happens because the main character was an unfortunate everyman named Mentl who was mysteriously transported to a fantasy land. So, uh, we're not exactly swimming in originality, here. Having been transported to middle-Narnia, he uses his musical skills to become a bard. This somehow gets him laid. This somehow, in ways that defy all logic and reason, leads to a towering blond barbarian woman repeatedly begging him to sleep with her, and even suggesting that they have threesomes....and that is not an idle suggestion. Oh, wait, and he's the fucking chosen one! And he's super-endowed!
The other main characters are scantily-clad women who throw themselves at Mentl whenever he plays his mighty mandolin and various things who try and fail to kill Mentl. Anyone who says that these characters exists for any other reason than to provide fanservice and glorify Mentl are fucking liars.
Now, I suppose that this webcomic could be a very sophisticated deconstruction of fantasy tropes. Then I saw this page, and well, that ended that line of thought rather abruptly. Yeah, apparently Mentl accesses his deus-ex-machina powers by singing pop-rock. Now, you can do that if you want, but if you're going to go down that road, you can't turn it around and pretend that the plot is anything other than absurdist comedy. So, "heartwarming" scenes like this, beyond being somewhat hacky in general, cannot coexist with Mentl killing his enemies with "Wild Thing."
Okay, then there's the art. Someday, maybe not so far in the future, we'll have perfected 3-d rendering, and the uncanny valley will be breached, or crossed, or whatever the proper idiom is. However, as of yet, the technology isn't quite there. So, while I suppose this art shows a high level of technical proficiency, the characters still kind of look dead. But, then again, the artist is doing about the best he can with the available technology, and I can't come down too hard on that. This, on the other hand, is pretty damning, and also not safe-for-work.
So, in summary. Shitty plot, stars a Marty Stu, and features soulless fanservice. On the plus side, it isn't very long, so it's got that going for it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Japan Ruins Everything: Mutant Ninja Turtles Gaiden
Like most other males in my cohort, I grew up watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and by that I mean the late-80s, early-90s version that realized that there was a pretty severe limit to how much emotional torque you were going to be able to get out of a show where the main characters were...well....teenage mutant ninja turtles. But I suppose you could make an emotionally charged version of the show, if that's what you really wanted to...
You know what, fuck it, anyone who tries to turn the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into some sort of weird emo fanfic is the enemy of all right-thinking men, and that's simply all there is to it. Mutant Ninja Turtles Gaiden is shit. Period.
Okay, I suppose I should show a little evidence to buttress my claim. Let's start with the plot. You see, the story here is that one day as the TMNT were chilling out in the sewer, an evil sword came in the mail and the only way to get rid of it was the stab Splinter through the heart, this causes the team to break up and that's where the main story begins some years later when the Turtles find some kid who got turned in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and oh God, why does this exist?
Sorry, I can't do this review normally, because I just don't want to. Suffice to say, if you've ever wondered: Man, what if they took the Ninja Turtles, dumped in as many anime cliches as they could (schoolgirls in uniforms, speed lines, and evil samurai curses) and then add in some good old-fashioned teenage angst (a girl named 'shadow', and the ninja turtles all becoming brooding people making 'deep' comments about life) then you should be on some heavy-duty medication to prevent yourself from thinking such awful, awful thoughts. Oh, also this comic can show you exactly what that's like.
Listen, at least 90% of fan fiction is terrible, and at least 90% of webcomics are terrible, so, at best, there's a 1% chance that a fan fiction webcomic isn't going to totally suck, which aren't exactly terrific odds. And, in a sense, can I really blame Mutant Ninja Turtles Gaiden for failing to achieve the near-impossible?
Yes, yes I can, and if I had a time machine, I would go back in time and prevent it from being created by any means necessary, even though that would inevitably lead to me having to escape from a dystopic timeline where the Nazis won World War II with the aid of a ragtag bunch of rebels, who I assume would be lead by an alternate version of Barack Obama with an eyepatch. Eventually I'd make it back to our timeline and be forced to destroy my time machine, only belatedly learning the folly of trying to rewrite history.
Uh....which is to say I don't care much for this particular comic.
You know what, fuck it, anyone who tries to turn the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into some sort of weird emo fanfic is the enemy of all right-thinking men, and that's simply all there is to it. Mutant Ninja Turtles Gaiden is shit. Period.
Okay, I suppose I should show a little evidence to buttress my claim. Let's start with the plot. You see, the story here is that one day as the TMNT were chilling out in the sewer, an evil sword came in the mail and the only way to get rid of it was the stab Splinter through the heart, this causes the team to break up and that's where the main story begins some years later when the Turtles find some kid who got turned in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and oh God, why does this exist?
Sorry, I can't do this review normally, because I just don't want to. Suffice to say, if you've ever wondered: Man, what if they took the Ninja Turtles, dumped in as many anime cliches as they could (schoolgirls in uniforms, speed lines, and evil samurai curses) and then add in some good old-fashioned teenage angst (a girl named 'shadow', and the ninja turtles all becoming brooding people making 'deep' comments about life) then you should be on some heavy-duty medication to prevent yourself from thinking such awful, awful thoughts. Oh, also this comic can show you exactly what that's like.
Listen, at least 90% of fan fiction is terrible, and at least 90% of webcomics are terrible, so, at best, there's a 1% chance that a fan fiction webcomic isn't going to totally suck, which aren't exactly terrific odds. And, in a sense, can I really blame Mutant Ninja Turtles Gaiden for failing to achieve the near-impossible?
Yes, yes I can, and if I had a time machine, I would go back in time and prevent it from being created by any means necessary, even though that would inevitably lead to me having to escape from a dystopic timeline where the Nazis won World War II with the aid of a ragtag bunch of rebels, who I assume would be lead by an alternate version of Barack Obama with an eyepatch. Eventually I'd make it back to our timeline and be forced to destroy my time machine, only belatedly learning the folly of trying to rewrite history.
Uh....which is to say I don't care much for this particular comic.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Zap!: You Won't Believe it's Not a JRPG!
I've never actually played Final Fantasy VII, you see, I assumed that Nintendo would continue its dominance in the console wars, and it took me a few years to realize that the N64 wasn't going to make it. Which is a long way of explaining that I don't have the necessary background to think of Final Fantasy VII as anything other than the game that inserted a whole new set of painful cliches into the minds of impressionable youths that occasionally lead to disasters like Zap!
The eponymous Zap is amnesiac psychic with spiky blond hair. I believe these traits may make him one of the least original characters of all time. And his mysterious past? Yeah, he was working with the bad guys. The other characters include the initially distant love interest, the warrior alien (aka anime Worf), the robot with attitude (aka Bender-lite), the tech-girl, the androgynous evil guy who is clearly evil, and yet must be revealed as being evil, and the cat girl, for if the otaku of Japan have one dream for the future, it is that they will meld the features of the cat onto that of the schoolgirl, and that is why medical licenses must never be given to fans of anime.
But hey, a good story can make up for good characters, right? Okay, well, Zap! is the story of a ragtag band of rebels fighting an evil empire controlled by a cabal of evil psychics. So, you've got a bunch of derivative characters in a derivative plot. I'd talk more about the plot, but well, you've seen it before, trust me.
The art is competent. Actually, that may be underselling it, because, unlike most webcomics, there is clear improvement. Compare this to this and it's clear that the art is better now than it used to be (although the writing is still shit). It's not great, but there are many, many webcomics with worse art.
Zap! is actually kind of impressive, because I think that this webcomic is actually the ur-JRPG comic, a webcomic whose utter fidelity to the tropes of the genre is such that it somehow transcends its mediocre nature in order to become something grander. Shorn of any distracting outside influences or creative aspects, looking at Zap! is like looking into the base nature of this type of webcomic. Personally, I find such a view unpleasant and banal, but if you're looking for a sci-fi/fantasy comic with anime-influences, well, Zap! is certainly the exemplar, for good or ill.
The eponymous Zap is amnesiac psychic with spiky blond hair. I believe these traits may make him one of the least original characters of all time. And his mysterious past? Yeah, he was working with the bad guys. The other characters include the initially distant love interest, the warrior alien (aka anime Worf), the robot with attitude (aka Bender-lite), the tech-girl, the androgynous evil guy who is clearly evil, and yet must be revealed as being evil, and the cat girl, for if the otaku of Japan have one dream for the future, it is that they will meld the features of the cat onto that of the schoolgirl, and that is why medical licenses must never be given to fans of anime.
But hey, a good story can make up for good characters, right? Okay, well, Zap! is the story of a ragtag band of rebels fighting an evil empire controlled by a cabal of evil psychics. So, you've got a bunch of derivative characters in a derivative plot. I'd talk more about the plot, but well, you've seen it before, trust me.
The art is competent. Actually, that may be underselling it, because, unlike most webcomics, there is clear improvement. Compare this to this and it's clear that the art is better now than it used to be (although the writing is still shit). It's not great, but there are many, many webcomics with worse art.
Zap! is actually kind of impressive, because I think that this webcomic is actually the ur-JRPG comic, a webcomic whose utter fidelity to the tropes of the genre is such that it somehow transcends its mediocre nature in order to become something grander. Shorn of any distracting outside influences or creative aspects, looking at Zap! is like looking into the base nature of this type of webcomic. Personally, I find such a view unpleasant and banal, but if you're looking for a sci-fi/fantasy comic with anime-influences, well, Zap! is certainly the exemplar, for good or ill.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Bardsworth: Bad Webcomic or Apocalyptically Bad Webcomic
Bardsworth is a pretty benign comic, I suppose. But, as it is a comic where the villain's evil plan is to corrupt the main character by convincing him to double-major in wizardry and bard studies, I can't help but attack.
The plot, ah, yes the plot, the main character is a kid named Mike, as you might expect in a story like this, is a complete and utter loser who just happens to be the chosen one. Luckily for him, he finds a portal to another universe or dimension or whatever and decides to enroll at the eponymous magical university. Anyway, it's quite a culture shock for young Mike, as well it might. Anyway, he gets a bunch of friends, and the main villain kind of sits around ominously announcing that he has evil intentions for young Mike. And...I don't know, that's really about it through around five hundred strips. No really, it's taken four and half years for Mike to enroll in magic college and get through a semester.
I think the problem that I have with this comic is that there's no real conflict and I don't think it's meant to be a straight comedy strip either. I mean, I guess there's a main villain, but he doesn't do anything. I guess there could be relationship drama, but the comic seems to go out of its way to pre-empt it. Oh, wait, there is an arc were Mike is forced to confront his hatred of theater people, now, you might think the author is trying to make a riff on fantasy characters having tragic pasts or something, but this strip makes me think it's being played straight.
Besides Mike, there other characters include, Old Man Wizard, who is old, wise, and all of those other things you'd expect of such a character. There's the villain, Rayner, who hasn't really done anything evil yet, but has evil facial hair. Oh, and there's Mike's love interest. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh, let me guess, she's an Elven princess." Well, fuck you and your cynical nature, she's just the heiress to an Elven duchy, asshole. There's also a fairy who plays some part in the theoretical corruption of Mike, and some other ancillary characters that I can't bring myself to care enough about to discuss.
The art is....okay. It's not particularly good, but, for the most part, it's good enough, and I give it bonus points for not falling into the anime-inspired trap that afflicts so many webcomics. That said, the story really isn't good enough to carry this webcomic by itself, and so adequate art really isn't good enough for Bardsworth.
Bardsworth kind of sucks. It's not completely awful, but well, when you put together mediocre art and the least-exciting use of a fantasy world in human history, you're not apt to end up with anything good. That said, maybe something will actually fucking happen in the story and change my opinion of it, but, as a general rule of thumb, if nothing has happened in five hundred comics, nothing is ever going to happen.
The plot, ah, yes the plot, the main character is a kid named Mike, as you might expect in a story like this, is a complete and utter loser who just happens to be the chosen one. Luckily for him, he finds a portal to another universe or dimension or whatever and decides to enroll at the eponymous magical university. Anyway, it's quite a culture shock for young Mike, as well it might. Anyway, he gets a bunch of friends, and the main villain kind of sits around ominously announcing that he has evil intentions for young Mike. And...I don't know, that's really about it through around five hundred strips. No really, it's taken four and half years for Mike to enroll in magic college and get through a semester.
I think the problem that I have with this comic is that there's no real conflict and I don't think it's meant to be a straight comedy strip either. I mean, I guess there's a main villain, but he doesn't do anything. I guess there could be relationship drama, but the comic seems to go out of its way to pre-empt it. Oh, wait, there is an arc were Mike is forced to confront his hatred of theater people, now, you might think the author is trying to make a riff on fantasy characters having tragic pasts or something, but this strip makes me think it's being played straight.
Besides Mike, there other characters include, Old Man Wizard, who is old, wise, and all of those other things you'd expect of such a character. There's the villain, Rayner, who hasn't really done anything evil yet, but has evil facial hair. Oh, and there's Mike's love interest. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh, let me guess, she's an Elven princess." Well, fuck you and your cynical nature, she's just the heiress to an Elven duchy, asshole. There's also a fairy who plays some part in the theoretical corruption of Mike, and some other ancillary characters that I can't bring myself to care enough about to discuss.
The art is....okay. It's not particularly good, but, for the most part, it's good enough, and I give it bonus points for not falling into the anime-inspired trap that afflicts so many webcomics. That said, the story really isn't good enough to carry this webcomic by itself, and so adequate art really isn't good enough for Bardsworth.
Bardsworth kind of sucks. It's not completely awful, but well, when you put together mediocre art and the least-exciting use of a fantasy world in human history, you're not apt to end up with anything good. That said, maybe something will actually fucking happen in the story and change my opinion of it, but, as a general rule of thumb, if nothing has happened in five hundred comics, nothing is ever going to happen.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Webcomics of the Apocalypse: Las Lindas
Going over the past few reviews I've done, it occurs to me that I've been relatively nice as far as the vitriol-fest that is the internet goes. But, people don't come to this blog to...well, people don't come to this blog at all.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, today I'm going to fight a comic that is actually worthy of the millenarianist title that I give to these reviews. Today, though it may kill me, I will review Las Lindas.
Las Lindas is awful on a number of levels. As a practical matter, I could probably simply point out the quasi-pornographic rendering of an underage furry, and call it a day. But, as I am a man of courage, I will point out the other flaws in this webcomic...which is kind of like saying that the Hindenburg's air conditioning system sucked.
Anyway, Las Lindas is the story of a bunch of furries banding together to save a small farm from...I don't know, bankruptcy, I guess. The main character is a she-cow (I have no idea if that's the right terminology) named Mora who begins the comic by blackmailing a young cat-dude into slavery.
The other characters include some man-cow who ends with Mora, an oddly chaste bunny-girl, two cat-girls who exist in order to round out the cast, and some weird nano-technology spirit thing that makes the idea of a bunch of people working on a farm make even less sense than it already does.
Finally, there's the villain of the piece, Alejendra, apparently, who will stop at nothing to shut down Las Lindas. Her devilish schemes include offering to buy Las Lindas at a reasonable price, and then later retracting that offer. Oh, she also plans to legally purchase the farm after Mora's genius slave-and-vagabond labor plan doesn't pan out....and that's where an already bad comic gets downright weird.
Just as Mora is about to lose her farm...where the work was all done by hand, a spaceship lands. Some sort of galactic higher-up shows up and offers an awesome deus ex machina deal whereby Mora can keep her farm if she wins some sort of farming contest. (By the way, it's amazing how well the reaction of the villain matches anyone's reasonable response to this situation.) In a shocking twist, Mora manages to sort-of win the contest when said galactic higher-up changes the rules. And once, again, the villain manages to sum up exactly why that is such a shitty resolution. I can't decide if the authors have wildly misjudged their story, or are self-aware. Then the characters go shopping, and accidentally kill the spirit-thing....and that's about it.
There's also a clumsy attempt at world-building, explaining how furries came to live alongside humans after they blew up our planet, which is nice of them, I suppose. Actually, I don't understand the setting of this comic at all. They work on a farm, but there are spaceships and shopping malls and nanotechnology, and you'd think that if you had that technology, a small family farm wouldn't be particularly viable. It probably gets explained in the spinoff comics, but I really, really, really don't want to check, as one of the comics is called "Breasts are the Best" and my spirit just can't take it.
Okay, let's wrap this up by talking about the art, because that really gets to the heart of the matter. I guess the art isn't bad, in that I think it's well-done from a technical perspective, but seeing as the art is that of a bunch of overly-endowed furries...
You know what, fuck it. If you want to see furry porn but feel compelled to justify your curiosity by claiming that it's integral to the plot of a story, I guess Las Lindas might be your cup of tea. Although, in that case, I'd suggest you either come to terms with your furry-philia (Note: there is probably a proper term for what I'm describing, but, again, my spirit), or look at normal porn.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you really, really, really, need to whack off to a bunny-girl, there are probably faster ways to do it.
P.S. I originally thought that this review would be funnier, but it just turned out to be depressing and miserable. Sorry.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, today I'm going to fight a comic that is actually worthy of the millenarianist title that I give to these reviews. Today, though it may kill me, I will review Las Lindas.
Las Lindas is awful on a number of levels. As a practical matter, I could probably simply point out the quasi-pornographic rendering of an underage furry, and call it a day. But, as I am a man of courage, I will point out the other flaws in this webcomic...which is kind of like saying that the Hindenburg's air conditioning system sucked.
Anyway, Las Lindas is the story of a bunch of furries banding together to save a small farm from...I don't know, bankruptcy, I guess. The main character is a she-cow (I have no idea if that's the right terminology) named Mora who begins the comic by blackmailing a young cat-dude into slavery.
The other characters include some man-cow who ends with Mora, an oddly chaste bunny-girl, two cat-girls who exist in order to round out the cast, and some weird nano-technology spirit thing that makes the idea of a bunch of people working on a farm make even less sense than it already does.
Finally, there's the villain of the piece, Alejendra, apparently, who will stop at nothing to shut down Las Lindas. Her devilish schemes include offering to buy Las Lindas at a reasonable price, and then later retracting that offer. Oh, she also plans to legally purchase the farm after Mora's genius slave-and-vagabond labor plan doesn't pan out....and that's where an already bad comic gets downright weird.
Just as Mora is about to lose her farm...where the work was all done by hand, a spaceship lands. Some sort of galactic higher-up shows up and offers an awesome deus ex machina deal whereby Mora can keep her farm if she wins some sort of farming contest. (By the way, it's amazing how well the reaction of the villain matches anyone's reasonable response to this situation.) In a shocking twist, Mora manages to sort-of win the contest when said galactic higher-up changes the rules. And once, again, the villain manages to sum up exactly why that is such a shitty resolution. I can't decide if the authors have wildly misjudged their story, or are self-aware. Then the characters go shopping, and accidentally kill the spirit-thing....and that's about it.
There's also a clumsy attempt at world-building, explaining how furries came to live alongside humans after they blew up our planet, which is nice of them, I suppose. Actually, I don't understand the setting of this comic at all. They work on a farm, but there are spaceships and shopping malls and nanotechnology, and you'd think that if you had that technology, a small family farm wouldn't be particularly viable. It probably gets explained in the spinoff comics, but I really, really, really don't want to check, as one of the comics is called "Breasts are the Best" and my spirit just can't take it.
Okay, let's wrap this up by talking about the art, because that really gets to the heart of the matter. I guess the art isn't bad, in that I think it's well-done from a technical perspective, but seeing as the art is that of a bunch of overly-endowed furries...
You know what, fuck it. If you want to see furry porn but feel compelled to justify your curiosity by claiming that it's integral to the plot of a story, I guess Las Lindas might be your cup of tea. Although, in that case, I'd suggest you either come to terms with your furry-philia (Note: there is probably a proper term for what I'm describing, but, again, my spirit), or look at normal porn.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you really, really, really, need to whack off to a bunny-girl, there are probably faster ways to do it.
P.S. I originally thought that this review would be funnier, but it just turned out to be depressing and miserable. Sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)