Updates...From The Future!!!!

DCU: Decisions is going to be a monumentally ill-conceived series. The concept of assigning political parties to heroes can only lead to trouble, and it's being written by Winick and Willingham.

Now, Winick is bad enough as is, but give him a soapbox for his politics and we'll end up with the pain of the "Speedy has H.I.V" times twenty.

For that matter, Willingham doesn't seem to share his political views much in his work, and boy I wish that would continue:


So, to review, DCU: Decisions has as bad a premise as Countdown: Arena, with the added benefit of being able to piss off comics fans in exciting new ways.

Civil War - A Retrospective

Okay, it's been a couple of years, and there are two critical flaws in Civil War that ought to be discussed.

1. When you mix real-world issues such as security vs. freedom, you're bound to screw it up.

Super-heroes don't make a tremendous amount of sense in the real world. I mean, how exicited would you really be to see some anonymous guy dressed up as a spider taking the law into his own hands? People wouldn't stand for it, I mean, there's already a big problem with the blue wall of silence, imagine how people would feel about the spandex wall of silence. For that matter, pretty much every super-hero would have hundreds of civil suits against them at all times.

But none of that matters, because there are certain conventions that are unrealistic but accepted in this particular format.

Once these rules are questioned, which was essentially the point of Civil War, things start to break down. Millar was right when he had the people of New York side with Iron Man, because that's what real people would have done. Or at least, that's what I think real people would have done. Which leads me to the bigger problem.

2. The politics of Civil War were so bad as to render the entire story meaningless.

First off, there is a controversy in American society that mirrors the dilemma in Civil War, but it's about gun control, not civil liberties.

In the story people aren't giving up their freedoms, because the law does not apply to the vast majority of them. The Super-Hero Registration Act compels only people with superpowers to register with the government. To put the comparison more bluntly, people with abilities that could potentially allow them to harm others must register those abilities with the government. Replace "abilities" with "gun" and there we go. Now, it's not a perfect analogy, because superpowers are not often gained voluntarily, but forcing people to register does not impair any civil liberty that the vast majority of people enjoy. So, no, people are not choosing between liberty and security, because people can have both.

Second, in order to make the anti-registration forces seem at least somewhat reasonable, Mark Millar decided to make Iron Man and his cronies out to be fascists, building Guantanamo-like prisons in the Negative Zone and creating evil clones of Thor. Now, what this defamation served to do was to ensure that Captain America was the hero of this story. At this point, no other writer was too keen to support the pro-Registration side in their own titles, and so the vast majority of Civil War tie-ins dealt with the protagonist fighting against the evils of registration, even in books where the main character was on Iron Man's side (i.e. Ms. Marvel).

So, Civil War, though it did sell well, was not a good story.

Oh, yeah, after coming up with a list of DC titles that deserve to be cancelled, I would also add that the new version of New Warriors is a pretty bad book too, because the main antagonist appears to be the Initiative, which is headed up by Iron Man, and I don't think it's sustainable to have a character with two on-going titles to be one of the main villains in another book.

When Elseworlds Go Bad

Back in the '90s, when the first Crisis had wiped out all those parallel worlds, DC felt the need to create a new format that would allow creators to make non-canonical works featuring DC characters. Thus, Elseworlds was born.

And while it led to a lot of pretty good books like Batman: Red Rain, or Superman: Red Son and the like, it didn't also work out to well.

To support that statement, I give you Elliot S! Maggin's Batman, The Blue, The Grey, and the Bat from 1993.
You see, Elseworlds is really about asking questions like, "What if there was no Superman?" or "What if Batman were also Green Lantern?" In this case, the question is "What if Batman was a personal agent of Abraham Lincoln sent to protect the Comstock Lode during the Civil War?"



Not really the sort of thing that Batman typically does...but compared to what comes after, it makes perfect sense.

So , anyway, Batman accepts this mission, because, after all, who can say no to the man with the stovepipe hat? But since this is a Batman story, clearly he will need an era-appropriate Robin:


Excellent, and now we'll need an era=appropriate Batman villain:



Huh...just some typical Confederate general...well, that's...ah...

Anyway, Batman arrives at Nevada and meets...and there's no easy way of saying this...Batman has an expository chat with Mark Twain of all people:


And this is where the book really starts going off the rails. Now, including Mark Twain as a supporting character in your book is fine, I guess, because it firmly establishes the time period, and if he were the only historical figure to be used in this way...

Okay, okay, but as long as we stop the madness there, the book can still be saved...

Well, fuck....

Okay, okay, so in this universe, several historical figures have all decided to team up with Batman in order to stop the Confederate army. It's a pretty weird set up, but I can't imagine things getting any more bizarre:

First of all, that's a pretty lame use of "Dark Knight." Second of all, everything else in that panel.

And it goes on like that, including the part where Mark Twain and Wild Bill Hickok must team up in order to save the Union:


And that's when the French invaded:


But then Kit Carson rides in to save the day, the war, and the Union. Nevada is admitted as a state and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except for Abraham Lincoln...

...and Bill Hickok.

The Worst Justice League of All-Time

The mid-90s were a bad time for comics...a really bad time, but it's worth noting that it wasn't simply because of the grim n' grittiness or the bad art, no, it was pretty bad on every level.

For example, in 1995 there was Extreme Justice, which was essentially the answer to question of what would happen if Image published a Justice League title, and then there was Justice League Task Force where, and I'm just guessing, the alchemy of Christopher Priest plus no=name characters plus the crash of the mid-90s led to a final issue that sold 13 copies.

But what was more amazing was how bad the main Justice League was at that time.

Oh, I could go into details about the terrible stories of that period, like the time Power Girl was impregnated by a demon, gave birth and then watched her rapidly-aging child and the demon father fight it out. Or the story were Maxwell Lord died and came back as some sort of evil robot, but I think that cover says all you need to know about what wrong: The suckiest cast in Justice League history. Let's look at the members:


Sort-of Wonder Woman!

Yep, thanks to a Bill Loebs storyline, Diana had to give up her costume and title...and I'm guessing that costume was some sort of divine punishment...or something. And she was the leader.


Fire and (a different) Ice!

So, Fire and Ice were a key part of the Giffen/Dematteis Run, so I guess Gerard Jones wanted to recapture the magic, so he brought in a new Ice...who had a crush on Fire.

Also, in an ironic twist, I'm pretty sure the second Ice is in the running for the worst Justice Leaguer of all-time.


The Crimson Fox!

Okay, well, you've got a terrible costume, terrible powers (something with pheremones) and a tenuous rationale for existing (Justice League Europe needed someone from Europe), and you've got a pretty lame character. Oh, and her identity was shared by twins, one of who faked her death in order to maintain the secret.

But hey, at least she got to be used as C-List fodder twice!



Hawkman! (The one that was exiled to limbo)

Remember when DC kept trying to fix Hawkman and ended doing more and more damage to the character until it had to be limbo-ed for the better part of a decade? Well, this is the version of the character that made Hawkman completely unusable.

You see, the Hawkgod had decided to cram all of the different hawkmen (and at least one woman) into one Hawkman. Shockingly it did not make things less confusing.

Still, it was clear who the breakout character was...



Yaz!

Post-Crisis Comics Can Be Taken Out of Context Too

For some reason this panel always cracks me up
From Captain Atom (DC Series) #1 (1987)

May 2008 Comics Obituaries

I'd think that, going forward, I'd like to say a few words about ongoing series that have been cancelled. I mean, the title of the blog would seem to give me license to deal with cancelled series.

So, let's look at those series from DC that have been officially solicited as cancelled:

Catwoman (v2)
Length of Series: 82 issues

Why it failed:

Well, it launched with Ed Brubaker, and when he left, Will Pfeifer took over. Unsurprisingly, the combination of a lesser-known writer and a second-tier female protagonist led to a book that wasn't exactly selling like hotcakes, although seeing as there has been an ongoing Catwoman series since 1993, it wouldn't be shocking to see this title relaunched a few months down the line.

Infinity Inc. (v2)

Length of Series: 12, count them, 12 issues!

Why it failed:

The first Infinity Inc. was a mediocre super-hero team of the '80s that was completely derailed by the first Crisis, it was resurrected in the pages of 52 for whatever reason, and here we are.

When the best-known character in a new title is the hero-formerly-known-as-Steel, you'd better damn sure have a top-tier creator backing it up. Peter Milligan isn't quite up to that standard, and Infinity Inc. had no chance in hell.

Legion Kill Count: Mark Waid 2, Geoff Johns 1

The solicits for DC are due today, and it's a good bet that it will feature one of the last issues of this incarnation of the Legion. Why? The threeboot was doomed the second Geoff Johns brought the Levitz Legion back from limbo.


By the way, Keith Giffen is right, and Karate Kid does suck hard.

Now, let's be honest, most people like that version better, it was the original, and the current trend in the industry appears to be setting things back to 1984, no matter the collateral damage.

I read last week that Jim Shooter has been fired and somehow that does not strike me as a good omen going into the summer continuity-fest that is "Legion of Three Worlds" in fact, I would bet that the series is going to feature the reboot and threeboot being consigned to the deepest of canon backwaters, never to be seen again. All this in order to hammer home that the original Legion is back and better than ever.

Which isn't a good idea.

Here's the thing, the Legion that Geoff Johns is pushing on us hasn't been featured in a comic for over twenty years. Oh, techinically the first Legion didn't get rebooted until 1994, but I'm pretty sure that Johns doesn't intend for the Giffen/Bierbaum run to count:

Because...you know, the Earth still exists in "Superman and the Legion" or whatever that Action Comics story was called.

Odds are if you were born after 1985 you don't really have an attachment to the original Legion, because the Legion of your youth was either the Peyer/Waid reboot, the underrated DnA run, or maybe even the new Waid/Kitson threeboot. So the cost of bringing back the first Legion is alienating anyone under 22. ("The Legion you grew up with doesn't count! Congratulations!")



And for what, let's be honest, most of the original Legion stories were your typical Silver Age stories that are great if you want something to make fun of, but not something that really need to be continuity.

Besides, a lot of the problems with continuity that originally derailed the Legion are still there. Remember the Pre-Crisis Supergirl, well...



Keep in mind, Supergirl was featured in the Great Darkness Saga, a bunch of other stories, and was heavily involved with Brainiac 5's search for the identity of Sensor Girl:


So, it looks like the retcon parade is going to have to start up again.

And, if that doesn't convince you, how about the fact that Lightning Lad has been turned in White Trash of the Future:



Well, until the next time I have incoherent rambling thoughts about comics...

I've Got Your Devastation Right Here

Way back when...by which I mean 15 years ago, there was a short-lived title called Green Lantern - Mosaic. It starred John Stewart, who for the first twenty years or so of his existence had two distinguishing characteristics: He was an architect, and he was (originally, at least) an angry black man. He was charged with governing the "Mosaic" which was a community made up of a bunch of other planets put together by an insane Guardian. (Note: Green Lanterns and Green Lantern-related characters have about a 85% of going insane at some point)


The series also dared to ask deep questions like: who would win, anthropomorphic chipmunk with a power ring or a truck?



Anyway, the series wrapped up with issue #18 written by Gerard Jones with a cover date of November 1993. The previous issues had dealth with a bunch of aliens deciding they weren't thrilled with their living arrangement and sets up John Stewart's transformation into a Guardian of the Universe...yeah, the small blue guys...bear with me here.

The issue begins with John Stewart preventing the destruction of the Mosaic in his soon-to-be standard maniacal fashion:

Ah, Stewart, you are a delight.

Anyway, after that there is a wrap-up of a few loose ends , then Hal Jordan shows up to have a talk with John Stewart, a conversation that ends with a panel that always cracks me up for some reason:




Take that Jordan! Only John Stewart has the right to indiscriminately raise the dead and become a God.

But, having dealth with the unbeliever, it is now time for our buddy Stewart to evolve into a human Guardian. (For some reason this means he is practically omnipotent, but still mortal, which doesn't make a whole ton of sense, seems like he could just...anyway, back to the story)

Remember how I said that John Stewart was originally portrayed as an angry Black man, well...


Wow, even in context that doesn't seem....good. I guess this is how John Stewart personifies his blackness, but still.

Anyway, he deals with his crisis of personal identity the way any of us would...like Kano from Mortal Kombat:

I'll leave you with one ore piece of wisdom from John Stewart:

5 DC Comics That Should Be Cancelled

DC is about to unleash Final Crisis on us all, which, if history holds to form, will be a good, or even great, story that is bogged down in crossovers and serves as the pretext for some ill-advised relaunches. (Flash: The Fastest Man Alive, anyone?) But, in the comics world, as in all other things, there cannot be life without death. So, here are five comics that should die so that others may live.

1. Titans
Okay, in fairness, the reason this is number one has to do with my antipathy for Judd Winick's writing, but it's not as if it's a particularly good concept to begin with. Basically, Titans is a rehash of the seminal Wolfman\Perez run from the '80s, except with the characters now being marginally older...except the reader is treated to Judd Winick's take on the classic characters:




So, at least one Titan is dead, a entire team was nearly killed, and the following splash page shows a bunch more downed Titans...but that's not going to get our heroes down!

There's nothing interesting about this title, it looks like it's going to basically be retellings the Wolfman stories of yesteryear (Trigon! What a bold choice of villain!), except you'll end up rooting for the bad guys.

2. Supergirl

There has been exactly one version of Supergirl that has had decent stories written about her. That was Peter David's run, and it would seem that at least portions of it are no longer in continuity. (I can't imagine how the final arc could work) There's probably some good reason why Kara Zor-El lends herself to such crappy stories, but I don't have the energy to figure it out.

That said, this run of Supergirl is bad, and has the distinction of being bad despite multiple revamps. First there was the aborted Loeb run which saw Supergirl meander around the DC world and...not do much interesting, honestly.

But then One Year Later came and DC saw an opportunity to try again:




They brought in Greg Rucka, put Supergirl and Power Girl on Kandor, and had them looking for Supergirl's home....and then Rucka set a new record for shortest run with a whopping one issue.

So they brought in Joe Kelly and he decided to emphasize what made this version of Supergirl unique. Now tragically, that turned out to be being a whiny screw-up, but, well, he tried, I guess.

But that is all in the past, in the current storyline, written by Kelley Puckett, Supergirl promises to find a cure for cancer in order to save a dying boy, and then is told by basically everyone she meets what an idiot she is for doing that, but, undaunted by their words of warning she tries anyway...and fails.

Supergirl is a series about a whiny blond who occasionally takes breaks from moping in order to dramatically fail at something, which in turns gives her something new to mope about.

3. Justice League of America

To break this up, here are ten reasons why this version of the JLA should go...away...

1. It transformed the Red Tornado into some sort of nightmarish emo-bot.

2. It thinks that people give a shit about Vixen's powers.

3. It featured Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman sitting around a cave and debating who was worthy of being in their league for five issues.

4. It has spent a good deal of its run setting up crappy storylines in other books. (Salvation Run! The Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding! A New Tangent Maxi-Series!)

5. Ladies and Gentlemen: The least-creative romantic pairing in comics history: Red Arrow and Hawkgirl!. (You see, Hawkman and Green Arrow disliked each other, so logically...)

6. Geo-Force? Black Lightning? Really...in the Justice League?

7. I didn't really care for the Lightning Saga either, I suppose.

8. Black Canary as the leader?

9. I'm one reason short, sorry.

10. Because there's a new Justice League series by James Robinson coming out, and two Justice League series seems redundant.

4. Superman/Batman



There were many changes to continuity after the Crisis that were regrettable, but I think that the writers of that time were right to change the dynamics of Superman and Batman's relationship.

Let's be honest, Batman and Superman are not two heroes that really should work together too often. Superman moves planets on a whim, Batman wages a relentless war on street crime. Now, the occasional team-up is fine, but trying to turn that into an ongoing series doesn't seem like a very good idea.

Hell, look at the first few storylines in the book: Luthor deciding to go completely insane for stupid reasons, the new version of Supergirl showing up, and Superman and Batman meeting a very-thinly veiled pastiche of the Avengers in a storyline that went nowhere very, very slowly.


5. Checkmate

Well, Bruce Jones is the new writer, so cancellation is (thankfully) inevitable anyway.

Rucka's run was good though.